From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
Well, I now have 144 reasons why I’m glad I don’t live in Austin. Some of y’all might recall reason #143, which I believe Austin’s city council recently made into a dadgum law. You know, that plastic bag ban in all the stores up there. Well, since most Austin stores won’t allow me to haul my pack mule up and down their aisles to carry my purchases back home, I have boycotted all Austin stores. I doubt any store will go bankrupt due to this embargo, but there will undoubtedly be a drastic decline in the sale of tall boys and Wild Turkey in Travis County.
I came up with reason #144 recently after watching the 10 o’clock news. The city council is thinking about making Austin “Bee Friendly.” Not only is Austin “Smoke-Free” and bagless, it will soon become a “No-Bee Kill Zone.” No longer will it be allowed to kill a swarm of bees residing in your outdoor privy. They will now have to be safely removed by an expert and taken to a bee refuge.
According to bee experts, the recent droughts have taken a toll on our bee population, wiping out about 66 percent of Texas bees. Since bees pollinate our vegetables and fruit trees, Charles Darwin once proclaimed that once bees become extinct, the human race will soon follow. Now, don’t get me wrong! I’m not disagreeing with Darwin, although I do have a problem believing Heidi Klum evolved from a gorilla. Being a semi-educated fella as I am, I know bees are crucial to growing crops which are essential in brewing fine beer and other somewhat essential foodstuff. But does the Austin city council really need to worry about this?
I don’t recall seeing a cornfield alongside Mo-Pac or a wheat field in Zilker Park. I haven’t seen any migrant workers picking grapes down Congress Avenue, although there are often several bums toting bottles of Boone’s Farm, minus the bag, down the sidewalks. I don’t believe I’ve seen cows grazing on the lawns in West Lake. No, the city of Austin just isn’t known for agriculture, so why are they so concerned about their bee population?
The report I saw on the news claimed that if a homeowner has a bee infestation, the bees and their home sweet home will be removed from their present site and relocated out of the city limits, preferably in a nice rural setting. Now, I have been known to capture varmints and relocate these pests to faraway lands, and I don’t think they have ever returned. It’s hard to tell since all possums look alike. But bees, correct me if I’m wrong, have these appendages called “wings”, and they have been known to travel across continents. Do those fellas up in Austin really think the bees won’t eventually migrate back to the Land of Weird?
Sure, living out in the country might be great for these bees, pollinating crops and wildflowers, but what happens when the drought kicks back in and the only corn to be found sits in Uncle Jesse’s private distillery? These honey bees are going to remember all those trashcans on Sixth Street and city parks stuffed with candy wrappers, Starbucks cups and uneaten Sonic fries. And without plastic bags to wrap up your garbage, the trash cans will be like the buffet at the Rio for these migrant bees.
Now, down here in Hays County, where men are men and bugs are squashed, we have established ground rules for our bees. We homeowners and farmers allow bees to pollinate all the flowers and cucumbers they want as long as they stay in flowerbeds and gardens. They are not allowed to hover over sweaty guys sipping cold beer in a lawn chair. Bees aren’t permitted to congregate within 100 feet of a BBQ pit. Bees cannot take up residence in any occupied home or frequently-used outdoor restroom. If any bee violates these conditions here in Hays County, they have surrendered their rights for a speedy trial and are subject to immediate execution. Means of execution may be by chemicals, a broom, a torch or, my favorite, a shotgun blast. Yep, down here in Hays County, we relocate pesky bees a little differently than Austinites.
I wonder if there’s going to be a backlash from other pests up in the Austin area. Why should bees get preferential treatment? What about cockroaches? They are part of the fauna of Austin, and they also serve a purpose. Crickets will definitely start chirping if they aren’t included in this insect relocation bill. And don’t forget the misunderstood chigger! Poor guys don’t have much of a life as it is. I bet they’d love leaving the manicured lawns of Austin and moving out into the cedar-infested hill country. Yep, I suspect there will be some mud dauber that’s as mad as a hornet, requesting equal rights and sending this case straight to the Supreme Court.
Way to go, Austin city council! Another civil rights violation. Just because some city slicker has a bee in her bonnet, you have to go and make a mountain out of an ant hill, creating a hive of turmoil. Why can’t you guys just leave nature alone? Stop getting involved with the birds and the bees and concentrate on more important issues like traffic, education and a biodegradable bag to conceal and safely tote a bottle of Old Crow.
Clint Younts’ voting statistics prove that he is ahead of the curve. So far ahead. Really.
