T
he presidential election is just about two months away, and like a mess of folks, I just don’t feel right about voting for either candidate. I don’t trust Hillary as far as I can throw her, and y’all know I can sling it far and wide. And Donald Trump is crazier than a snared coyote. Every time I hear Trump speaking at a podium, I think of Archie Bunker. So, whom do I vote for come November?
Well, while I was pondering over this dilemma out here at the Crow’s Nest, I found the solution to this presidential perplexity. I could select a write-in candidate instead of the current clowns, and after more pondering, I came up with the most logical choice for president: Me! That’s right! The Old Crow himself.
Sure, why not? I meet the criteria to become president. I am well beyond 35 years of age. Shoot, these drawers I’m wearing are over 35. I am a true-blooded American, and I have never been convicted of a felony. Okay, back in ’78, I was caught plagiarizing Lady Bird Johnson in my college speech class, but apparently stealing a speech from a First Lady is not really a crime. I admit I have never run for any political office, but then, knowing how to run a country apparently isn’t essential to being on the ballot, is it?
Candidates are supposed to have a platform. I have a wood pallet from the feed store. That’ll be my platform. As for my campaign pledges, I’ve made a long list of stuff I’ll do to restore the economy and make America so-so again. By electing a redneck like me, there’s no need for the White House. I’d be happy in a little cabin on the banks of the Potomac. Then we can turn the White House into a Bed & Breakfast and make good money.
I’d plow up the Rose Garden and plant some corn and taters. With all the manure that is flung around Washington, we should have plenty of fertilizer.
I wouldn’t throw expensive dinners for heads of states. Tossing some crawdads in a pot, a brisket on the grill and a Yeti full of beer should suffice nicely if Putin comes for a visit.
There would be no need for the Secret Service. I’ve got some unemployed buddies who are always packin’ who could be my personal bodyguards. Give ‘em a few bucks and some cold beer, and they’ll follow me anywhere.
I’d turn off the A/C in the U.S. Capitol. Then maybe Congress would get some work done in a timely manner.
Y’all might wonder what my views on certain subjects are. I won’t skirt issues like certain gas bags do. I’ll tell y’all what I think whether you want to hear it or not.
Gun Control: The best gun control is the keeping the safety on until you’re ready to squeeze the trigger. Sure, keeping crazy folks and criminals from owning guns would be best, but if someone knows how to do that, we would be writing his name on the ballot.
Education: Put an end to all those standardized tests, give teachers a raise and let them teach, dagnabbit!
Taxation: Make the ultra-rich folks who gave millions to fund the campaigns of Hillary and Trump pay at a much higher tax rate than the poor blue-collar folks who barely make ends meet.
Foreign Policy: If some country can’t produce a good tasting beer, don’t bother with doing business with ‘em. Let’s keep Germany, Belgium and Mexico as allies.
Y’all might be wonderin’ who my choice for the Supreme Court might be. I’m thinking Judge Judy. And for my VP, I will ask Roger Staubach first. If he turns me down, then George Strait. Can’t go wrong with either choice.
So, come November, I’d appreciate your vote. Remember: It’s not what some Old Crow can do for you, but what you can do with some Old Crow.
Clint Younts has a following – out in his pasture. But cows can’t vote, and the coyotes would say no, as they hate the sound of his gun tanning their hide.
crowsnest78610
@yahoo.com
