I reckon I should put my two cents worth about the recent occurrence of a new threat to Americans. No, not the Zika virus or ISIS. Y’all hear about those threats all the time. I’m talking about the frightening clowns who appear all across America scaring the bejeebers out of people. And, no, I’m not talking about our presidential candidates either. I’m discussing those wack-jobs out there who dress up as circus clowns and terrorize innocent children and lots of grown-ups who suffer from bozophobia.

These clowns are plumb evil. Some have actually committed assaults while others just stand around and scare folks. With all the frightening stuff going on these days, why would some godless, cold-hearted, two-legged polecat want to scare little kids? These clowns can’t be all that smart because some appear in states where half the population is totin’ firearms, and that big red nose makes a fine target.

Personally, I haven’t seen any clown except for one bushy-haired idiot in a 49ers uniform kneeling during The Star Spangled Banner. I won’t spend much time discussing this ungrateful, hypocritical clown who refuses to acknowledge our national anthem but gladly accepts our national currency. I will say that with his current hairstyle, he’d make a fine toilet brush for the Jolly Green Giant. Enough said!

Okay, back to the other clowns amongst us. I want to assure folks that not all clowns are bad. Most are fun-loving, happy folks who like to look silly and make people laugh. I grew up watching clowns at circuses and on TV. Red Skelton was a comic genius and wasn’t scary one bit. I loved watching rodeo clowns as a kid, and I must admit, I still like seeing them taunting those bulls.

Now, Stephen King created Pennywise in his novel “It”, and that was one scary clown! The only clown I know who might pose a real danger for us would be Ronald McDonald. His hamburgers and fries have caused millions of Americans to have high cholesterol and heart disease, but he’s not all that scary-looking.

Y’all might be wondering how to distinguish between good clowns and bad clowns. With them all dressing alike, it would be hard to tell the difference, but I, being somewhat a clown myself, can advise all y’all in identifying those evil clowns. Some clues are easier to pick out, but other may be subtle. So, allow me to pass along a bit of clown sense. 

Bad clowns will need to run away after committing their crimes, so you won’t see them wearing those huge, floppy shoes that circus clowns wears. Now, rodeo clowns wear running shoes due to their aversion of having their prostates checked by a Brahman bull. If that clown standing across from the playground doesn’t have cow crap on his Nikes, call the cops.

A good clown carries a cream pie as a weapon. Unless you are lactose intolerant, you aren’t apt to be injured from this clown’s assault. Bad clowns carry machetes.

If a clown climbs out of a VW Beetle along with 11 other clowns, he’s probably a good one. If he is standing next to an old van with the rear doors open, don’t go near him.

If the clown is puffing on a balloon to make funny-looking animals, he should be okay. If he’s puffing on a Marlboro, I’d be a little leery of that goober.

Professional clowns proudly apply their own makeup. It’s their trademark. If you see a price tag dangling from a clown mask, he’s a fake. 

Now if you see one grabbing women’s crotches as they walk by, that’s no clown. It’s just Donald Trump. 

Clint Younts clowns around with his grandchildren, and he walks among his cows. But he wears old cowboy boots with a bit of “dirt” on them. We guess he’s okay.

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