Here it is, the middle of February, and I still haven’t broken my New Year’s resolution. Before you go pattin’ me on my back for stickin’ to my resolution, I should inform you that I don’t recall making any for this year. I might’ve said that I’d cut back on my beer drinkin’, but I would’ve had to’ve been three sheets to the wind to announce something that ridiculous. I might’ve resolved to exercise more, and if 12-ounce curls constitute physical exertion, then I have indeed kept my New Year’s resolution.
I know several folks who vowed to lose weight and to eat heathier. After losing 20 pounds last spring while I was on the Oxycodone diet, I doubt I resolved to lose any more weight, and my wife makes sure I eat fairly healthy meals because she wants to keep me around for a while longer. Who else would change light bulbs if I wasn’t around? But what some folks are doing these days is something called a cleanse. They eat only fresh fruits and vegetables and drink nasty-looking smoothies consisting of cucumbers and red clover that theoretically clean out the GI tract. I’m sorry, but I’ve never done a cleanse without the aid of some intestinal parasite. And if I wanted to clear out my GI tract, I can do it without drinking an alfalfa smoothie. A couple chili rellenos and a mess of refried beans will keep this king on his throne for most of the morning.
Similar to a cleanse is something health nuts refer to as detox, where they rid their bodies of all toxins acquired over the past months. Again, they down smoothies and eat stuff a hungry goat would turn down. Being an open-minded sort, I have tried detox a few times when I feel my body is laced with toxic matter. Knowing an antimicrobial lavage kills harmful toxins, I ingest a therapeutic elixir once a week to kill these germs. I prefer it frozen with salt, but on-the-rocks is also beneficial. And if I believe my kidneys need a good flushing, I run up to Walgreens and grab a 12-pack of my favorite detox tonic. Not only does this Rocky Mountain remedy flush out my kidneys, but it helps rehydrate me after my south of the border colon cleansing.
