Here it is, the middle of February, and I still haven’t broken my New Year’s resolution. Before you go pattin’ me on my back for stickin’ to my resolution, I should inform you that I don’t recall making any for this year. I might’ve said that I’d cut back on my beer drinkin’, but I would’ve had to’ve been three sheets to the wind to announce something that ridiculous. I might’ve resolved to exercise more, and if 12-ounce curls constitute physical exertion, then I have indeed kept my New Year’s resolution.
I know several folks who vowed to lose weight and to eat heathier. After losing 20 pounds last spring while I was on the Oxycodone diet, I doubt I resolved to lose any more weight, and my wife makes sure I eat fairly healthy meals because she wants to keep me around for a while longer. Who else would change light bulbs if I wasn’t around? But what some folks are doing these days is something called a cleanse. They eat only fresh fruits and vegetables and drink nasty-looking smoothies consisting of cucumbers and red clover that theoretically clean out the GI tract. I’m sorry, but I’ve never done a cleanse without the aid of some intestinal parasite. And if I wanted to clear out my GI tract, I can do it without drinking an alfalfa smoothie. A couple chili rellenos and a mess of refried beans will keep this king on his throne for most of the morning.
Similar to a cleanse is something health nuts refer to as detox, where they rid their bodies of all toxins acquired over the past months. Again, they down smoothies and eat stuff a hungry goat would turn down. Being an open-minded sort, I have tried detox a few times when I feel my body is laced with toxic matter. Knowing an antimicrobial lavage kills harmful toxins, I ingest a therapeutic elixir once a week to kill these germs. I prefer it frozen with salt, but on-the-rocks is also beneficial. And if I believe my kidneys need a good flushing, I run up to Walgreens and grab a 12-pack of my favorite detox tonic. Not only does this Rocky Mountain remedy flush out my kidneys, but it helps rehydrate me after my south of the border colon cleansing.
I have heard more than once that “your body is a temple”. Well, I think of my body more as a port-a-potty at Willie Nelson’s 4th of July Picnic. I enjoy fine foods and potent potables, and it would take a squad of Navy SEALs to force me to eat some vegan dish, unless it was covered in cream gravy and topped with salsa. So y’all can count me out for your next 21-day cleanse. The only cleansing I will be doing is scraping bird poop off my deck. What are those dang birds eating? Cucumbers and clover?
So, if my New Year’s resolution didn’t involve exercise, detox or a body cleanse, I wonder if I even made one. My memory of New Year’s Eve is a bit cloudy, but I bet there was some football watchin’ and cold beer drinkin’ goin’ on for most of the day. I do recall hearing my wife ask, “Have you made your resolution yet?” and me replying, “Not yet, but I’ll ponder over it during halftime”. I also remember makin’ a run to Walgreens because I was concerned about kidney stones.
Perhaps my resolution dealt with my newspaper writin’. I’m thinkin’ I resolved to write higher quality columns, omitting stuff about intestinal emissions and alcohol consumption, and rememberin’ to put a G on the end of my verbs. Dang, if this was my New Year’s resolution, I didn’t make it through mid-January. Oh, well! There’s always next year. Meanwhile, after gettin’ a whiff of my smelly feet, I believe it’s time for a good, ol’ fashion cleansing.
A cleanse and Clint Younts should not be spoken of in the same sentence. Period.
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