I reckon most of y’all have heard about the conundrum the folks up in the Land of the Weird have in renaming Robert E. Lee Elementary School. Due to the continual eradication of southern heritage by dogmatic malcontents and elected invertebrates, a Texas school named after a war hero and educator must select a new name for the sake of political correctness. I won’t dwell on the subject of northern aggression any longer today, because stirring the chamber pot only draws more flies.
Down here in Hays County, we have a similar challenge. With all the migration of people from foreign lands like California and Up-North, the population of our county has swolled up like the belly of a colicky brood mare. Scores of new homes are being built, cluttering our landscape and tapping into our dwindling water supply. With the rapid influx of new home-buyers comes a large flock of children needing proper education.
Local schools are already crammed full like a beer fridge on the 3rd of July, so the school administrators have decided to build another high school over yonder in Buda to handle this population explosion. They have already picked a spot for the new campus, but now they need help in selecting a name for the new school. So, since I’m always willing to help out the needy, I have some suggestions for naming the new high school and renaming those old schools that seem to offend folks with ill-fitting panties.
First of all, with all this malarkey about always being politically correct, we must be careful in our name selection. So, let’s rule out any anyone linked to the Confederacy, and to be fair, anyone with ties to the Union army. While we’re at it, since we may have some kids who moved here from England, perhaps we should rule out anyone who fought the British in the American Revolution, too.
Let’s not pick anybody who might’ve offended any large group of people, like Muslims, Mexicans or women, so we can scratch Donald J. Trump High School off our list. I suppose we could name the schools after others who participated in the current Republican presidential race, but I’m afraid we’d have a large number of students dropping out early.
We already have a number of schools named after heroes of the Alamo, so let’s scratch off Bowie, Crockett and Travis. There were around 200 other fellas who fought there, but I can’t recall anybody else’s name. Guess we could name the school after John Wayne since I do recall seeing him at the Alamo.
Why not name a school after a local icon like Willie Nelson? I’m sure Willie would approve as long as the school has a good music program and teaches horticulture. The school fight song could be “Whiskey River” and the school mascot can be a roach.
How ‘bout naming it after local celebrity, Matthew McConaughey? We can have the kids stand up and say the pledge of allegiance every morning, followed by reciting “Aw right, aw right, aw right!”
We could name a school after the Texas grocer, H.E. Butt. And the school mascot could be the Scratchers. Or maybe the Wipers?
No school ‘round these parts is named after either George Bush. Then the school mascot could be the Bush Whackers.
With all these transplanted Californians living in Hays County, perhaps we should name the new high school after some icon from their home state, like Ronald Reagan, Arnold Schwarzenegger or OJ Simpson.
Okay, here is my official nomination for naming our new school: Tom Landry High School. What a fine example of integrity, honesty and dedication to excellence. And naturally, the school mascot will be the Cowboys. If any transplanted folks from New York, Washington D.C. or Philadelphia have a problem naming our school after Tom Landry, there will be a class on Southern butt-kickin’ out behind the bleachers.
Clint Younts might not be politically correct, but he always knows who the Cowboys are playing. Now, is the word “Cowboys” politically correct?
