Okay, we all know about the hazards of using a cellphone while driving. Whether it’s texting, surfing the internet or even talking on your phone, the smartphone can be a major distraction to the not-so-smart driver. Even though in many cities it is unlawful to use your phone while driving, a mess of numskulls still do. I still see nitwits texting while driving 20 miles per hour under the speed limit, a dozen cars trailing behind him like a funeral procession.
A recent study revealed that there has been a large increase in vehicle/pedestrian accidents from cellphone users walking into traffic. I saw a video of a mother grasping the hand of a toddler with one hand and her phone in the other while absent-mindedly stepping into a busy intersection. Luckily the drivers were more aware of their surroundings than this mesmerized mommy. There are numerous reports of folks texting while strolling and running smackdab into street signs and light posts.
Another hazard of texting is a malady called Text Neck. Physicians are seeing numerous patients with severe neck pain caused by excessive texting. Some iPhone addicts can’t go 10 minutes without checking their phones for texts or recent Facebook posts. This strain on one’s cervical vertebrae while constantly looking down at a text can cause possibly permanent damage to the spine, causing the text-fiend to become an even bigger pain in the neck.
There is also a theory that excessive talking on a cell phone has the potential of causing brain cancer from the phone’s radiation having easy access into the skull. I don’t know if this is really a big problem for two reasons: First, I figure most folks who talk on their cellphone all day long will end up crashing their car or stepping into an open manhole long before cancer kills them; secondly, few youngsters these days actually use their phone to talk. Kids tend to use their phones nowadays to text, tweet, message and post. Verbal communication is rarely used by the younger generation, and I am afraid that in the near future, verbal communication will become extinct like proper grammar and good penmanship.
As I was relaxin’ here at the Crow’s Nest, soaking up warm sunshine and cold beer, I began to wonder if there are other perils of excessive cellphone usage. So I acquired the assistance of the research firm of Cuervo, Salt and Lime to help me discover other hazards of chronic cell phone use. These findings are definitely eye-opening, but I suspect there will be some folks who will question the validity of the concocted data gathered here.
According to doctors, there has been a huge increase of patients in the ER with lacerations and embedded glass in the buttocks of guys who forgot their iPhones were in their back pockets when they plopped down on a hard bar stool.
There have been numerous reports of blunt force trauma to the head of selective hearing-impaired men who were too busy changing their Fantasy Football line-ups to hear their wives say for the last time to come to dinner.
Shoeshine men report a 33% rise in business due to texting at urinals.
Marriage rates have declined over the past five years due to the lack of serious, long-term dating. It has been discovered that young people prefer to gaze at their phones more that into the eyes of their dinner dates.
Neurosurgeon Ben Carson might’ve stated that the average size of a teenaged brain has shrunk over the past decade due to kids relying on their smartphones to hold data and to do simple calculations instead of using their minds. If Dr. Carson didn’t really say this, he should’ve.
Okay, let me conclude by revealing my hypothesis of this extensive research. More accidents, injuries and stupidity transpire from excessive cell phone use than from backyard beer drinking. If you want to debate my theory, ice down a case of beer and tote your cooler over to the Crow’s Nest. Bring an open mind, but leave your dadgum cellphone at home.
Clint Younts would love to win the lottery. He’d probably buy out the Lone Star Brewery and have beer delivered cold, directly to the Crow’s Nest.
