There’s been some talk ’round these parts about Uber, the pseudo-taxi service that’s available these days in cities all around the world. From Abu Dhabi to Zurich, folks can call Uber and have a car pick them up. I suspect most Uber users are folks who have consumed a large volume of combustible liquids with a lime twist. I reckon tourists in a foreign country might use Uber as a means of transportation because there’s nothing worse than driving your rental car through Istanbul and having to ask for directions at a 7-11. OK, it wouldn’t be much different than going into a 7-11 in Austin for comprehensible directions, but you get my drift.
Personally, I have never used Uber, and I rarely use taxis. After a frightening experience in a taxi flying down streets of Cozumel with a driver who apparently was never taught traffic laws or how to use a brake, I get a little nervous of a strange driver toting me around an unfamiliar city. I would never rent a car in a foreign country because I’m not trained in the art of honking the horn and plowing through intersections, so I guess I might someday use Uber when we go to Bucharest for our next exotic beach vacation. Man, I wish I could find my atlas to check out our travel destinations.
For those folks unfamiliar with Uber, it’s a transportation service where pert-near anyone with a car can sign up and get paid haulin’ drunks and confused tourists around town. What I hear, using Uber can be a real experience. There’s no telling what kind of car will pull up to the curb or what kind of driver will haul your drunken butt away from a 6th Street bar and take you home. Perhaps I should give y’all some advice when it comes to using Uber.
If your Uber driver says, “Dude, I sure like my new car! It’s much sweeter than the last four cars that I totaled this year,” then you might want to tighten your seatbelt.
If the Uber car pulls up and smoke pours out of the door like a scene from a Cheech and Chong movie, turn around and go have another beer.
During the drive home, if the Uber driver asks for his ski mask so he can buy some cigarettes at the next convenience store, you might want to exit the vehicle immediately.
As you arrive at your destination, if the Uber driver asks, “Would you mind supplying me with some urine before you go? I have another stupid drug test tomorrow that I know I’ll fail,” use another taxi service next time.
Hopefully, you won’t hear your Uber driver ask, “Does it still smell like vomit back there? That fat dude last night really blew some chunks.”
Something that I hate hearing from a taxi driver as we are approaching a busy intersection is “Sir, I am color blind. Is that a red light ahead or is it green?”
If your Uber driver apologizes for having to frequently look at the map and remarks, “I’m sorry but I’m new here. I have outstanding warrants in Dallas and Waco.” you may want to get out at the next stop.
Before entering the Uber car, look to see if there is a screwdriver stuck in the ignition instead of car keys. If so, casually ask the driver if he’s ever lived in Dallas or Waco.
I do hope my perceptive advice helps all y’all when you need a ride home after doing way too many tequila shots in your favorite pub. Call a taxi or even Uber which may be a great service with good drivers. What do I know? They couldn’t be any worse than that crazy hombre down in Cozumel who gave me Montezuma’s Revenge without me even drinking the water.
Cowboy and vet tech Clint Younts likes to travel around the pasture on his tractor. His wife, on the other hand, would like to get away occasionally. Favorite destinations include places with good margaritas.
