Back on August 1, I walked my daughter down the aisle and watched as she and her beau exchanged vows. In the past month, I have observed the happy couple as they begin their life together. On one particular Saturday afternoon, the newlyweds stopped by our home after a trip to Ikea, and I ribbed my new son-in-law about going shopping. Then I recalled a time 35 years ago when I, too was a newly-wedded man who would’ve turned off the TV and accompanied his young bride on all shopping trips. Oh, how times have changed.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I still accompany my wife to certain stores, such as Lowes, Home Depot or Twin Liquors, but over three decades, my replies to her questions have evolved quite a bit. I don’t know about all husbands, but I suspect most are unwilling to sacrifice a lazy Saturday with a trip to the mall or beyond unless there is still a slice of wedding cake frozen solid in the freezer. After some careful thinking and pondering, I have compiled a list of questions that a wife might ask and different replies depending on the years of marriage.
Wife: Does this dress make my butt look big?
Newlywed husband: Absolutely not! You look simply beautiful.
Older man: Compared to what?
Wife: Would you like to go to Ikea with me?
Newlywed husband: Well, sure, hon! Can we stop at Bed, Bath & Beyond on the way home?
Old guy: Aw, hell no! I’d rather have my prostate checked by Bigfoot.
Wife: I found a new recipe that I hope you’ll like.
Newlywed husband: Oh, I am sure I’ll love it. You are a terrific cook.
Chubby hubby: It’d better have some dadgum meat in it and not that tofu crap.
When dress shopping, the wife asks, “Which dress do you like better?” A newlywed husband will reply, “Oh, they all look great on you. Why not buy both of them?” An older husband might say, “Get the cheaper one and let’s go. The movie starts in 15 minutes.”
Wife: Do you like my new perm?
Newlywed husband: Absolutely! You look simply beautiful.
Geezer: How much did that cost me? And what’s that God-awful smell?
Wife: We need to get a new toaster oven. Do you wish to go shopping with me?
Newlywed husband: Sure. That would be more fun than watching this ballgame.
More mature man: We have a toaster oven?
Wife: I’m thinking of painting the study. Would you like to help choose paint colors?
Newlywed husband: Absolutely. And let’s look for some new curtains, too.
Grizzled groom: We have a study?
Wife: Do you like that Polo shirt I bought you?
Newlywed husband: Yes, it fits perfectly, and I think I look great in pink.
Old ball & chain: Do you want me to look like Bruce Jenner? And where are all my pearl-snap western shirts?
Wife: I think the yard needs mowing.
Newlywed husband: Ooh, I’ll get right on it after I get finished folding the laundry.
Not-so-newlywed husband: Be sure to check the oil before cranking up the old gal.
OK, I may not’ve ever given any of these responses, but I suspect after 35 years of marriage, I might’ve given an incorrect answer a time or two. Marriage is like school. Every morning, the husband gets up, tries to remember all the previous lessons and prepares to learn something new from the school marm. I am thankful to have married a patient instructor and glad she grades on a curve.
Clint Younts comes from a long line of teachers and has several in the family. You’d think he would have learned his lessons by now.
