As y’all all know by now, the Supreme Court has ruled in favor of same- sex marriage, and I am not about to write an entire column on this subject. I have an opinion, and those who know me well might be surprised how I feel about this ruling. I do object to those folks who rant about gay marriages ruining the sanctity of marriage. I’m sorry, but sleazy divorce lawyers have been doing that for generations. The only thing I ponder over when discussing same-sex marriage is when two women get hitched, which one gets the designation of the nagging wife?
Alright, enough said on this Supreme Court ruling. I have other issues that our legislators need to ponder over and make an appropriate ruling right quick because I frequently see atrocities around me that make me say, “There oughta be a law against that!” Yes sir, there are some people out there who violate common decency and oughta be punished for their offenses. Oh, I have a long list, so our Supreme Court should stay busy for the rest of the year ruling on these outrageous acts.
There oughta be a law against parents allowing their wild young-uns to run amok in stores. Little demons hyped up on Fruity Pebbles running and screaming down the auto-parts aisle at Walmart are extremely irritating when mature men are trying to cross-reference oil filters for their ancient pickup trucks. And what’s even more irritating is seeing mom standing nearby chatting with some girlfriend, and neither woman can even hear Armageddon occurring in aisle 24.
There oughta be a law against folks driving painfully slow on narrow, winding back roads. It is especially agonizing when you’ve just left work and trying to get home fast because that burrito you had for lunch is flying down the expressway and is fast-approaching the exit ramp. You are thinking you can make it home just in time when you come up on some old geezer driving his Buick so slow that his transmission doesn’t even recognize third gear. These slowpokes are a health and sanitation hazard and should be banned from driving during rush hour.
There should be a weight limit to Spandex. Some folks look fine wearing tight shorts, but others should be forbidden to don such fabric. It’s like looking at 250 pounds of cookie dough wrapped in Saran Wrap. And while our Court justices are pondering over the dress code, let’s have them place an age limit on skimpy bikinis. Women of a more mature, less perpendicular age should be required to sport proper attire as they jog down the beach. No man enjoys the sight of a bikini top that resembles two angry weasels stuffed in pair of tube socks.
There oughta be a law against honkytonks charging $5 for a mug of beer. That price might be expected in some hoity-toity bar up in Austin, but a converted feed store in a small Texas town should sell an ice-cold mug of beer for much less than five bucks.
There oughta be a law against real estate developers building scores of new houses in a subdivision that has year-round water restrictions. I am sure those smart folks wearing robes up in Washington know something about the law of supply and demand. If there is a shortage of water, you shouldn’t invite more folks to sip from your straw. Soon, everyone will be sucking air.
There oughta be a law against loud motorcycles rambling through quiet communities. There oughta be a law against public drinking fountains where the water barely trickles out, making a less flexible man squat like a sumo wrestler just to quench his thirst. There oughta be some law against a person who looks absolutely bat-guano crazy from owning a gun. And, my last request to the supreme lawmakers: Make a law banning extensive media coverage of a sexually confused ex-Decathlon athlete who has no further use of his javelin.
Strange, but there’s no law against Crow’s Nest columnists Clint Younts making people laugh. The Supremes probably want to keep him occupied.
