Just when you think that big can of assorted nuts that we call our federal government couldn’t screw up any worse, some court jesters in Washington introduced a bill asking to change the face on the twenty-dollar bill. Apparently, some conglomeration of desperate housewives and pompous politicians were sipping mimosas on the veranda and came up with the idea of putting a woman’s face on the twenty instead of Old Hickory’s stoic portrait. Okay, now I feel like I may get some estrogenic hate mail over my response, but, dang it, this is just plumb ridiculous.
First of all, Andrew Jackson was a great president and a good ol’ southern boy from the Carolinas. If you’re gonna drop someone’s ugly mug off our currency, make it Ulysses S. Grant instead. That no-count booze hound should never have been placed on our fifty-dollar bill. Maybe on a Yankee dollar, but nothing bigger than a five. I still refuse to carry a $50 bill in my wallet, but I carry a few twenties with southern pride.
There is other paper money we could change instead of the twenty. Alexander Hamilton wasn’t even a president, and he’s on the $10 bill. I can’t even recall what Hamilton did to deserve this honor, but it must’ve been newsworthy at the time. Shoot, Salmon P. Chase is on our $100,000 bill (if you don’t have one in your wallet, take my word on this) and he was never elected president or even flew a kite in a thunderstorm. I thought Salmon Chase was some fishing tournament in Alaska.
So far, a few names have been suggested to replace Andy Jackson. Harriet Tubman and Eleanor Roosevelt have been nominated as suitable candidates. I’m sorry if I sound mean, but seriously, couldn’t those legislators find some women who weren’t as homely as these two? If I had some twenties in my wallet and had those faces looking up at me every time I reached in for my beer money, I’d be too depressed to drink. Why not put some portraits of ladies who didn’t have to sneak up to mirrors? Betsy Ross, Clara Barton or Amelia Earhart, for example. Or even better, how about putting that famous portrait of Farrah Fawcett on the twenty? You guys know which one I’m talking about. That poster graced my dorm rooms for seven years until I left school as a 5th-year sophomore.
It has also been suggested to place the picture of a famous female Cherokee chief, Wilma Mankiller, on the $20 bill. I’m part-Cherokee and I don’t even know who this woman was, but with a surname like hers, I doubt she’d make the cut. Can you imagine overhearing some fella at the bar asking the bartender if he has change for a Mankiller?
Why must we replace Jackson with a woman anyway? There are lots of male American icons we could choose over the unsightly list these politicians devised. Since the only real criterion to be met in order to get on U.S. currency is that the person has to be dead, I have come up with several appropriate names: Ronald Reagan, John Wayne or Tom Landry. Why not drop Grant from the fifty and replace him with Robert E. Lee? And in the future, once Bill Clinton passes on, let’s honor him by putting his face on the one-dollar bill which continues to be the bill of choice found in strippers’ undergarments.
Okay, ladies and questionable gentlemen, if you must go and change our U.S. currency for some inane reason, go ahead. And while you’re at it, to appease all the atheists and other non-believers out there, why not flip that bill over and erase “In God We Trust”?
From the Crow’s Nest, local columnist Clint Younts gets on his high horse a few times a year. He climbs on on that horse by stepping on all the money he makes as a columnist.
