As a rancher, you will never hear me cuss the rain, but dagnabbit, enough is enough! I haven’t actually kept up with how many days it has rained this year, but I think the last time I saw sunshine, Rick Perry was still in office. I have grass growing in places I’ve never seen grass before, like in red ant beds, on rock piles, in the bed of my Chevy truck. I’ve been trying to mow my pastures of dying wildflowers, but thunderstorms race in and tell me to get my literally screwed up back off that tractor and back in my recliner.
I recently heard on the Weather Channel that some places in Texas have received rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Now, I am a God-fearing man, raised by good Christian parents who insisted on my attendance in Bible school. I recall Bible stories like Daniel and the Lion and David and Goliath, but the one that really stuck with me is the tale of Noah’s ark. I have always wondered how he could’ve built a boat that large, and how he kept the leopards from killing the gazelles.
Now, with all this rain we’ve gotten and forecasted to keep getting, I have built my own ark. I had plenty of wood from all the trees that died in the drought (oh, remember those nice, sunny days the past three summers when we were praying for rain?). Now I have to decide who and what animals I will house on my ark while the state of Texas becomes the next Atlantis.
Of course I’ll let my family come aboard, even those second-cousins and ones once-removed as long as they bring an ice chest full of beer. Friends who are good at the grill are welcome as long as they bring enough food for all of us. And anyone totin’ a good supply of tequila who makes a killer margarita is invited. The cook at my favorite Mexican food restaurant certainly can join us. I might also invite my plumber because the one thing you don’t want on an ark is a backed-up toilet.
As for what animals I will bring on my fine ark, I will only pick species native to Texas. There won’t be any giraffes or elephants this go-round. I won’t collect creatures like the California newt, an Allegheny woodrat or an Oklahoma Sooner. No sir! This will be an ark for Texans and our favorite critters. Neighbors imported from foreign lands like Maine or Tennessee may be allowed on board as long as they bring essential provisions like lobsters and Jack Daniels, but if I hear any complainin’ or whinin’, I’m kicking your sorry butt overboard.
OK, now I must select what animals I want on the SS Tom Landry. Definitely the Texas longhorn, and I’m not talking about Colt McCoy. Armadillos will be brought on board along with the Texas jackrabbit. Horned frogs will be permitted as will the endangered Houston toad. I’ll have white-tail deer and pronghorn antelope. I’m sorry, but no axis deer or other exotics will be allowed on my ark unless they have been marinated and ready for the grill.
I will allow the bobcat and javelina to take shelter in my ark because once it dries up, we will still need college mascots on the sidelines. I guess I should include the coyote and wolf, but I will drop them off in west Texas before heading back home. Foxes will be okay, but I just don’t think I can handle skunks for our long stay at sea. I fear having skunks and a stopped-up toilet would create a mutiny.
Other creatures that I will leave dog-paddling are scorpions, fire ants and chiggers. What was Noah thinking when he brought these pests on his boat? I’m not real fond of the Texas Diamondback rattlesnake, but I guess I should bring two of them along, huh? My problem is that I don’t really want to lift up their tails to see if they’re a boy or girl.
Well, folks, I’ve gotta run. There are storm clouds to the west, and a possum just got in my chicken coop. I hope he’s a good swimmer. If any of y’all come looking for me aboard my ark, I’ll be up in the Crow’s Nest.
From the Crow’s Nest, local columnist Clint Younts can view what left of his pasture. It has recently been renamed as Lake Heoncewasatallman.
