By Clint Younts.
I don’t know how all y’all rang in the New Year, but I celebrated the holiday flat on my back suffering from a bad case of sciatica. While billions of folks celebrated the arrival of 2014 by sipping champagne and watching the ball drop in Times Square, I rang in the New Year with a mixture of prescription drugs and a heating pad. Although my pharmacist advised me to abstain from alcohol while taking these medications, I do believe I had one cold beer between doses. Folks, take it from me that unless you want to fall asleep at 7:30 p.m. on New Year’s Eve and dream of flying alligators and getting twerked by a sumo wrestler, then you should listen to your pharmacist.
The worst part of being bedridden for several days is finding quality programming on TV. Luckily, I was sidelined during the college bowl games, so no matter what day it was, there was a football game being televised. Between drug-induced naps, I saw more bowls than a server at an inner-city soup kitchen. The problem I had, besides drooling on Maw’s new sofa while in a mini-coma, was finding something to watch between ball games. Fortunately, operating a TV remote doesn’t involve exercising your lower back muscles.
We have DirecTV and more than 500 channels, so scrolling through the channel guide can take a while. There are channels for everyone: little kids, women, rednecks, macho men and non-macho men. And guess who else now have their own channel? Dogs! Yeah, you heard me right! Rover and Fifi now have a channel just for them to watch all day. DogTV is now available for an additional $4.99 a month. What a deal!
DogTV offers an eight-hour block of commercial programming designed to keep your dog entertained while you are at work. I haven’t personally viewed this channel since it is a pay-per-view channel and $4.99 can supply better entertainment at the Beer Barn. The shows vary during the day. There are shows that stimulate the canine couch potatoes into exercising, followed by something a bit more laid-back that will ease your mutt into a restful nap. By keeping your dog busy watching the tube, the dog experts believe DogTV may help dogs with separation anxiety and keep Buster from tearing up the furniture.
Now, I’m sure some of you are wondering who would pay for this. Oh, after working 15 years at a vet clinic, I have met scores of dog lovers who wouldn’t think twice at subscribing to this channel. Shoot, I know some folks who’d go out and buy a new 50”flat screen just for their poodle’s entertainment. If you’d pay for monthly pedicures, fancy dog food and jewel-studded dog collars, spending $4.99 a month is nothing.
I do wonder what type of programs DogTV shows that interests the average mutt. Do they show reruns of “Lassie” and “Rin Tin Tin”? I wonder if dogs who watch this channel would know Scooby Doo isn’t a real dog. I can imagine a dog owner returning home only to fall into a trap that their blue tick hound devised after watching Scooby and Shaggy catch the Swamp Monster.
The folks at DogTV claim some programs are educational. Do you suppose there’s a show about the proper technique of sniffing another dog’s butt? How about a show that will teach a dog not to chase after a skunk? Is there a program that will teach a dog to bury their poop? Hey, if a cat can do it, why not a dog?
I’m a little concerned about leaving a dog home alone with the TV on. What if Big Red finds the remote and switches over to the movie channel that is showing “Cujo”? Your bad day at work is about to get worse once you get home. And if your sweet doggie suddenly becomes obsessed in humping your leg, I suspect ol’ Duke has discovered the Playboy Channel.
Speaking of quality television, I believe tonight they’re showing a classic movie on the Disney Channel. Why don’t you gather all the dogs in your home, plop yourselves on the sofa with some popcorn and doggie treats and watch “Old Yeller”. If I don’t chase my pain pills with a Lone Star, I just might stay awake for the whole movie.
Clint Younts knows dogs. Moses 1, Moses 2, Moses 3. Yep, those were the dogs of his and his cousins’ youthful years.
