by CLINT YOUNTS
I have been told a time or two by folks who subscribe to this here newspaper that my column is the only thing they read before using the paper to clean the windshield or their bucket of bolts. I think they’re just being polite, and they probably read much more, but what if they are speaking the truth? What if there are people out there who don’t read the paper or watch the evening news on TV? With 500 channels available and Duck Dynasty reruns showing from 5-7 p.m. pert near every day, I rarely watch the news myself. But, I do read the newspaper and surf the internet while waiting on my Words with Friends buds to find some word that has a Q and a J in it.
What if those fellas who told me that all they read is my bi-monthly column are actually on the level? As informative as my stories might be, I doubt my columns cover all the worldly events that appear in other media. This here weekly newspaper does a mighty fine job reporting stuff that occurred ’round these parts, but there’re other places on planet Earth where there might be some significant event or calamity that is newsworthy. I think it is my civic duty as an incredulous journalist to keep uninformed local yokels aware of what’s happenin’ in the rest of the world and beyond.
Let’s start at the farthest spot and then move in closer to our hometown, shall we? Did you hear about us putting some robot up on Mars? No, I’m serious! We’ve landed on Mars and have some fancy remote-control car driving all over the place up there. The Mars rover Curiosity is cruising along the red planet, picking up rocks and drilling into the barren soil looking for water and signs of life. So far, all we have found up there are some rocks, dry dirt and a McDonald’s restaurant.
Back here on Mother Earth, there’s a lot of stuff happenin’, too. Over in Russia, there has been a huge surge of folks purchasing lottery tickets this past week. The reports I’ve read coming out of the Kremlin reveal no rhyme or reason for the sudden increase in gambling, but I suspect it has something to do with a news story in the Siberian Express News that states your chances of winning the state lottery is about the same as getting struck by a meteorite.
Closer to home, out in the Caribbean, the Carnival Cruise luxury liner Triumph had a major quandary when an engine failure resulted in a complete shut-down of power, running water and their endless buffet. The big boat just bobbed out there in the turquoise water with little food and water and no flushing toilets for days while waiting for AAA to come and tow it back to shore. Thankfully there were no casualties besides some messy drawers, but I suspect there are about 4,000 folks who will never set foot on a Carnival cruise ship again. A spokesman for Carnival Cruise Lines has informed me that once repairs are made on the Triumph, she will sail again but under the new name, “Carnival’s Floating Turd.”
Out in California, there was a massive manhunt for an ex-cop who had murdered several folks and evaded arrest for several days. While the authorities were searching for the killer and his Nissan pickup truck, cops mistakenly shot up two other foreign-made pickups, wounding the innocent occupants. When the police department was quizzed by an L.A. newswoman on how this terrible mistake could occur, Sgt. Joe Friday, Jr. replied, “Well, ma’am, you know all Asian trucks look alike.”
Also in the state of California, guests at the historic Cecil Hotel in downtown L.A. were shocked to discover that the corpse of a missing woman had been discovered in the rooftop cistern that contained the hotel’s water supply. The guests had complained of low water pressure and a maintenance man discovered the body. The hotel has temporarily closed while the police investigation continues and new carpet is installed at every site where the guests were told of the rotting carcass in their drinking water.
Back here in the Lone Star State, Gov. Rick Perry has been trying to recruit businesses in California to move to Texas. I don’t know how y’all feel about this, but don’t we have enough Californians living amongst us? Do we need California businesses competing with local businesses? Let’s just hope Perry doesn’t recruit California law officers to join Hays County Sheriff’s Department. My GMC Sonoma looks too much like a Nissan.
OK, there’s my condensed version of the past two weeks’ worth of news for you folks who only read my column and nothing else. Although all news coverage has been researched and substantiated by the other fellas sitting at this bar, I might’ve adorned the news reports with a little relish and sprinkled them with a dash of Old Crow.
Clint Younts watches television news that are not found on any other sets in these here parts. His news is beamed straight from Mars.
