By Clint Younts.
Here we are in the midst of holiday season, hustling and bustling to get Christmas decorations up and gifts purchased. I simply can’t understand how such a joyous season can turn into complete chaos. After surviving the madness of Black Friday and countless treks to stores to find the perfect gift (FYI: my perfect gift can be found somewhere between the non-alcoholic beer and Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers), we finally get all the shopping done and presents wrapped in time to sit back and hopefully enjoy a silent night, holy night next to a roaring fire, watching Jimmy Stewart or Chevy Chase on TV.
For many of us, there will be a quick trip to Grandmother’s house, whether it’s just down the road or clear across America. Since time is a factor, air travel is the way to go. Just a couple of hours stuffed in a soaring metal tube with a hundred other folks sure beats driving an entire day on crowded highways surrounded by total idiots who spend more time looking at their phones than at the road. Yep, air travel is faster and statistically safer, but it’s still stressful. And unless those guys at the FAA and the FCC don’t stop passing around the loco weed, I may never fly again.
For some insane reason, the Federal Communication Commissions is considering permitting air travellers to talk on their phones while flying the friendly skies. For years, we’ve been allowed to use certain personal electronic devices at higher elevations, although I recently learned clipping one’s nose hairs with an electric trimmer on a 737 is frowned upon. Working on a laptop is OK, as is playing games or music on iPads and other fancy gadgets like a smartphone as long as it doesn’t make noise because most passengers enjoy the peace and quiet of jet engines thrusting them through the stratosphere. After reviewing safety issues, the FAA and airlines finally gave in this month and relaxed restrictions on using cell phone to make calls.
Allowing passengers to chat on their phones would be fine and dandy if they kept their voices down and their conversation short, but I suspect the loud drone of the jet engines will have folks shouting. And there will undoubtedly be that one goober who’ll yell into his phone, “Can you hear me now? I’m in Arizona! Can you hear me now? We just entered Nevada!” Oh, yeah, that won’t be annoying.
There’s talk about having a section of the plane that’s a quiet zone. There would be no phones or crying babies allowed in these sections. In these seats, it will be nice and quiet, allowing passengers to take a peaceful snooze until a flight attendant rams her drink cart in your knee. There will be a curtain separating the talkers and non-talkers, much like those planes of yesteryear with divided smoking and non-smoking sections. If the airlines believe a thin curtain will hold back loud, obnoxious chatter as efficiently as it held back noxious cigarette smoke back in the ’70s, then I’m not sure I trust them carrying my sorry butt 30,000 feet above ground.
Now, if there’s going to be a talking section, why stop there? Shouldn’t there be a section for those people who sing along to their iPods? Or a section where the airlines can put all those old women who will talk to pert near anybody, including the guy who just wants to be left alone and finish his crossword puzzle? And in this section, let’s put the nervous guy who keeps asking questions, like “How much longer until we land?” or “Where exactly is my flotation device?”
I think there should be a few rows way in the back of the plane for the hefty passengers whose profound protuberance and malodorous secretions often invade my assigned seat. In this section, we can include those passengers who should not have tried the $20 bean burrito back at the food court just before getting on the plane. Perhaps this would also be the appropriate section for that nervous, inquisitive guy with a barf bag in his lap, asking “How often do wings simply fall off?”
As a father and more recently, a grandfather, I don’t have problems with crying babies. Been there, done that. Most folks who have ever flown with their own children understand fluctuating air pressure and babies don’t mix, and those who complain about the crying should grab their cell phones and move to the back of the plane and call someone who cares what you think.
I don’t know why some people have to be in constant contact with others. What is so important that you can’t wait another 60 minutes when we land to make your call? Sure, call right before landing to be sure your ride is on her way, but not during the entire flight. Show some courtesy to fellow passengers and keep your phone on mute. And while you’re at it, find the mute button on these two old gals beside me. I can’t concentrate on my crossword puzzle with all that blabbering goin’ on.
Clint Younts travels to visit his wife’s family in the Carolinas. It takes him a long time to scrunch up those long legs into the small seating area, so give him time if you happen to follow him onto a plane.
