By Clint Younts.
Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and I’m already drooling just thinking about all the tasty vittles. Turkey, dressing, sweet taters and various pies will cover our dining room table for a short while until a hungry clan of omnivores swoop down and devour everything, leaving nothing but a turkey carcass and some cranberry sauce. The meal which will take hours to prepare but only minutes to consume will undoubtedly be delicious as always, and my 2013 New Year resolution to lose weight will have to wait until 2014 along with my 2013 resolution to stop procrastinating.
Sure, I love all the fine food associated with this holiday, but I also love knowing my family will be sharing the day and one hefty bird with me. Thanksgiving has always been a holiday where families gather and feast, often for the entire day, minus a few tryptophan-induced catnaps. I’ve even heard that this year, the Cyrus family will all gather for Thanksgiving at Miley’s home where she will be serving her specialty of twerky and undressing.
Apparently not all Americans believe Thanksgiving should be a holiday spent at home with the family. A cartel of money-hungry retailers has discovered the secret to time travel by pushing Black Friday into Thursday. Several retail stores will open on Thanksgiving Day about the time many folks are helping themselves to a fourth slice of apple pie. With constant bombardment of advertisements, ordinary people who normally would spend the entire day visiting family and friends with their pants unsnapped and belts loosened a notch or two will be brainwashed into thinking they need to get to WalMart by 5:30 p.m. to be in line when the doors open at 6 p.m.
The idea of joining the rabid horde of Christmas shoppers running down store aisles like lab mice in a maze does not appeal to me. Although I’m a big guy and normally could easily shove my way to get that 65” TV at half price, I’m worried that after consuming enough vittles to feed an entire Pacific island, I would be a catatonic slug. My mind would be scoping out the shortest path to the electronics section of the store, but from my sternum down to my toes, I’d be like the Tin Man in an April shower. I don’t know what’s in sweet potatoes, but I have seen the effects of a yam overdose. Bloating, abdominal cramping, lethargy and even paralysis of the lower extremities can occur, and being in a crowded store where the aisle to the restroom is blocked tby a cardboard pyramid of PlayStation 4 could be quite troublesome.
There was a time, long, long ago, when Thanksgiving was sacred, and Americans gathered to spend precious time with each other. Shopping was planned for Friday, at least among the womenfolk in my family. I normally slept late, ate a sandwich that consisted of turkey, cranberry sauce and pimento cheese for lunch, and spent the rest of the afternoon stringing Christmas lights on the house and an aging Chevy pickup. As the years progressed, stores began opening earlier and earlier on Black Friday. Zombies would appear in stores before sunrise, wearing pajamas and armed with newspaper circulars and coupons. Shell-shocked husbands witnessed horrendous acts of aggression from their wives who all wanted the last remaining Tickle Me Elmo.
One year, my daughter’s newly acquired boyfriend “volunteered” to accompany her to a local megastore to purchase a flat-screen TV that went on sale at the stroke of midnight. I don’t know if that was an act of true love or a psychotic episode produced by an overindulgence of sweet taters and pumpkin pie. Whatever caused the young fella to cave in like a Florida backyard is unknown, but he’s still dating my daughter, and she and I both have a new TV.
This year, Black Friday begins at 6 p.m. on Thursday, causing thousands of employees to cut short their visit with Granny so they can work overtime. Millions of Americans will forego a traditional Thanksgiving and begin their Christmas shopping spree before the stuffing congeals into rubbery mass. Cars will fill once empty parking lots like ants on a dropped Nilla Wafer. While their wives are sorting through coupons and downloading store maps, men will be checking out the score of the Cowboys game they’re missing. And once those doors open, Thanksgiving is officially over and buyers’ bedlam begins.
Why can’t we keep Black Friday on Friday and leave Thanksgiving alone. Has this American holiday been replaced by the American dollar? Let’s all enjoy Thanksgiving Day without all the chaos of Christmas shopping. Have another turkey sandwich and enjoy the company of your family and friends. Do your shopping next week. There will still be plenty of inventory on the shelves and even more sales in December, so kick back on the sofa and give thanks for all the gifts you’ve received in your life. Celebrate Thanksgiving and not Black Friday.
Clint Younts would not voluntarily go to the store on any day, much less Black Friday. His wife, though, loves the thrill of making him carry her purchases. How sweet.
