by CLINT YOUNTS
With Thanksgiving knocking at the door, I feel obligated to share a few thoughts about this delightful holiday and relate some fond memories. Thanksgiving is a day set aside every year for Americans to sit around a dinner table with friends and family and give thanks to God (that’s right, I wrote “God” and if any atheists have a problems with that, y’all can go straight to hell) for all the gifts He’s doled out to us. Then, as hot rolls are released from the oven, mingling with the aroma of roasted turkey and dressing, we stop talking and begin wiping drool from our chins. Once that turkey develops a resemblance of a bird cage, the folks gathered around the table, many who’ve not eaten anything since Veteran’s Day preparing for this feast, give thanks once again and dig in like a horde of armadillos in a field of grubs.
There’s usually not much talking at our dinner table besides “Pass me some rolls” or “Anybody want that other leg or can I have it?” As a kid, I recall having to sit next to my brother at all meals. I think it was due to his ravenous appetite and poor eyesight. I still have scars from his fork as I reached for the last roll on one particular November afternoon. He claimed he was aiming at the remaining turkey wing, but I had my doubts. That Thanksgiving, I gave thanks for that fork missing a major artery.
The one Thanksgiving tradition that I brought into my ever-expanding family is that there will be conversation at the table. The TV and the Detroit Lions will be turned off, and our family will sit for an hour eating and talking to each other. There are no cell phones beeping, no texting or posting on Facebook. That can wait until the sweet taters have decided to take the next exit ramp off the Thanksgiving Freeway, or once we all waddle away from the dinner table in search off the softest chair in the living room.
It seems like every time we go to a restaurant these days people are sitting at tables waiting for their dinner and texting on their phones. Kids are playing games on their phones or chatting online with friends instead of with their parents sitting across from them. I have seen men sitting across from gorgeous ladies, and instead of gazing into their eyes and listening to them talk about their day, these guys are looking at their phones. “Hey, fella! Is there something more interesting on Yahoo than the person who you invited to dinner?” If that lady across the table is his wife, I suggest he start searching the web for a divorce lawyer.
Why do people think it’s all right to check emails and texts at the dinner table? I may be a bit old-fashioned, but I think this is poor etiquette and down-right rude. It’s no wonder kids don’t communicate with their parents, when Dad’s checking the football score on his Android and mom is glued to Pinterest. It’s bad enough that there’s little communication at home, but it’s just sad to see it at a restaurant.
I wonder why this behavior is considered appropriate. Back in the old days, supper was the time where the entire family would gather and spend quality time talking to each other. Friends were told to never call between 6 and 7 p.m. There weren’t pesky telemarketers or political campaigners calling during suppertime. I don’t know if this occurred only in our family and at the Cleaver home with Ward, June and the boys. Other families may have had other dining traditions, but I sure liked this one.
Do you suppose folks today just don’t know how to act at the dinner table? Perhaps they weren’t taught the rules of dining etiquette. Dear Abby and Ann Landers are no longer advising common folks on how we should behave in social gatherings. Parents don’t seem to care about elbows on the table or wiping your mouth with your shirt sleeves. Maybe someone who still recalls what good manners are should write a newspaper column about proper dinnertime etiquette. Hmmm, who at this newspaper is qualified for such a task?
OK, OK! I’ll do it. I’m probably not the best source of dinner decorum and platter practicality, but at least I don’t Google while I gorge. So, straight from the Crow’s Nest, here are 10 things not to do at your Thanksgiving dinner:
1. When invited to dinner, don’t arrive late. This is rude and not too smart. If you show up five minutes late at my brother’s home, you’ll be fighting the dog for the turkey carcass.
2. Do not look at your cell phone while sitting at the dinner table. It’s best to leave this infernal contraption in your car or by the bathroom sink. No one will think less of you if you excuse yourself from the table after ingesting four helpings of sweet taters.
3. Do not take a bite of turkey until it’s been carved.
4. It is proper to bring a fine bottle of wine to a Thanksgiving dinner, but it is rude not to share it with the hosts.
5. There should be no belching at the table until you can see the ribcage of the turkey.
6. Cranberry sauce can stain the fancy tablecloth, so if someone asks you to pass it, don’t toss it like you’re Tony Romo. Besides, it would only get intercepted.
7. If the dinner conversation begins to lag, don’t go describing the oozing boil you have on your butt. Some city folks might find this offensive.
8. It is customary to bring a dessert to Thanksgiving dinner, but if the sell-by date has “October” on it, don’t forget to scrape off the label.
9. Do not loosen your pants after eating three helpings of Granny’s stuffing. But if you do, remember to hold on to them when you stand up. This can be quite unsettling to some ladies.
10. Do not EVER reach for the last roll in front of a wild-eyed boy with a fork in hand.
I hope all y’all have a happy and text-free Thanksgiving!
Out on the Crow’s Nest, with Clint Younts, beeves are thankful that turkey is the main Thanksgiving entree, and critters are willing to fight over the remains of that th’re bird carcass.
