From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
Some of you folks who read this here column with some irregularity (I suggest Metamucil, by the way) might recall a story or two providing reasons why I live in Hays County and not in that monkey-sniffing-glue world they call Austin. I’m a downhome country boy who enjoys simple things in life, like sitting under a shade tree sippin’ a cold beer while a juicy T-bone sizzles over hot charcoal and mesquite chips. Up north in the big city, folks are a bit different when it comes to culinary fondness.
Austin has every type of restaurant you can imagine, and probably some you can’t. I bet there is an eatery serving vittles from every country I can mispronounce and most definitely can’t spell. In my neck of the woods, we eat steak, burgers and barbecue. And if we want foreign food, we order pizza or head on down to our favorite Mexican food restaurant. I don’t know the difference between Thai food and Vietnamese food, but I suspect you can’t find a bottle of ketchup in either establishment.
Down here in Hays County, we have festivals celebrating certain holidays or just to celebrate. Throughout the year you can attend Budafest, Founder’s Day, Kyle Market Day or even Chiggerfest. There are wiener dog races and county fairs. No matter what the occasion, you know good-and-well there will be some good grub on a grill. We’ll have fajitas, brisket and chili cooking over hot coals, often with salivating judges presiding over a mouthwatering competition. Yup, down here in Hays County, we know how to cook at festivals.
Now, you may wonder why I was bad-mouthing Austin earlier. You might think Austinites know how to throw a party. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. Allow me to extrapolate. Last week over in Zilker Park’s Rock Garden, our friends to the north had a shindig where they cooked up some fancy vittles. Did they serve ribs or turkey legs like we might across the county line? No sirree, bub! These city slickers were chowing down on worms, crickets and scorpions. That’s right, you heard me. They were grillin’ up ants and wasps and serving that crap to humans at the 5th annual Bug Festival.
Okay, we all know Austin is weird, and there are more assorted nuts there than at a discount vasectomy clinic. But seriously, feeding folks dead bugs just ain’t right. Worms are supposed to get stuck on a fishin’ hook not a fork. Grasshoppers were brought upon Noah’s ark to feed the crows, not his kids. Now, I’ve been known to toss a scorpion in a microwave, but I had no inclination to eat it. I just like watching the hellish creature pop.
I don’t know how much it cost to attend this Bug Festival, but I bet they charged a pretty penny for a plate of fried grub worms. “How ‘bout a side of sautéed fire ants with that, honey?” I doubt they charged by the pound like they do at Smitty’s BBQ. And what kind of wine do they serve with wasps? I suppose red wine for red wasps and a fine pinot grigio with yellow jackets. I’m sure fancy maggot-munching city slickers wouldn’t be seen washing a katydid down with a Lone Star. No sir; that would be considered crude. One thing I am sure of is there weren’t any honey bees served on a bed of rice, and I bet take-out orders of chicken-fried crickets weren’t put in plastic bags. I’m also sure that I’ll stick with eating brisket and fajitas at our county fairs, and if I ever eat a bug, it’s from one flying into my mouth while I’m laughing at those weird folks up in Austin.
Clint Younts cooks a mean brisket, but don’t tell those cows wandering around his pasture. That bull thinks he is a pet.
