From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
By the end of this month, there will be several thousands of high school and college graduates tossing their caps and gowns in the back seat of their cars, searching for wild celebrations and spending carefree days on a distant beach. Not a worry in the world except trying to remember the night before and why “Maria” is tattooed on one’s chest. Ah, yes, I remember those days, vaguely. It’s been a few decades, but I sorta recall roaming the streets of Knoxville after my last final exam, laughing and joking around, knowing I’ll never have to do electron configurations or Punnett squares ever again.
Then one morning, in late May of 1980, reality climbed in though my bedroom window and slapped me like an offended barmaid. School’s out for good, and as I exited my dorm for the last time, I entered the ugly world of Adulthood. No more days of sleeping off hangovers in Astronomy 101. No more free admission into Neyland Stadium or some honky-tonk on the Strip to listen to four guys who called their band Alabama. After spending four wonderful years of having fun and meeting some great people, and somehow ending up with a diploma, it was time to put on my big boy shoes and enter the workforce.
Most of you graduates out there may be a little nervous about heading out into the big, cruel world in search of a job. Some of you spent the past few years flipping burgers or serving the Catch of the Day, but getting those jobs didn’t require going through a tortuous job interview that sometimes resembles being questioned by homicide detectives. Job interviews at Bob’s Burger Barn or other fast-food joints usually go like this:
“Are you currently on America’s Most Wanted list?”
“Do you know the difference between a spatula and a toilet brush?”
“How long must dropped food stay on the floor before it is considered contaminated?”
If you can correctly answer 2 out of 3, then I’m sure you can get a job at one of the millions of establishments offering queasy cuisine; if you desire starting a different career, you might have to endure a tougher interview. But there is no cause for getting all out of sorts dreading the job interview. Most people conducting the interview are quite nice and not all that intimidating. But beware of the questions they ask. They may be a bit tricky. Lots of people in Human Resource were psychology majors, so some interviews may be like a session with a court-appointed headshrinker, not that I know anything about any of them.
Being a nice guy and all, plus having been involved in scores of job interviews at my other job, I think I should share some tips with you young’uns who are about to go on a job search. Perhaps with my guidance, you will sail through your next job interview and get the job of your dreams. There’s no need to thank me. It’s my pleasure.
First of all, dress properly. Guys don’t have to wear new suits to all interviews, but don’t show up in torn jeans and a T-shirt with “I Party with Satan” printed on it. And, ladies, dress nicely but not like a Las Vegas hooker. Personally, I enjoyed conducting interviews with gals dressed in this fashion, but not a single one got the job.
Tattoos and body piercings can dissuade interviewers from taking you seriously, unless you are interviewing for a job at a tanning salon or as a desk clerk at No-Tell Motel. If you have body art, hide what you can for the interview. Yank out that nose ring beforehand. If you have a spider web tattooed on your neck, glue a plastic spider to your skin and maybe the interviewer will assume the web was spun while you were waiting out in the lobby.
As I mentioned before, some questions in an interview are tricky. Like a two-headed copperhead, they need to be handled carefully. If you are asked, “Why do you want to be a member of this company?” do you answer: a. I need money to support my drug habit; b. My mom says since I’m 38 years old, it’s time to get a job and move out of her house; c. I hear you offer good medical insurance and I have an ugly third nipple I’d like removed; d. Working here has always been my dream, and I believe I can be a great asset to your company.
If asked “What can you contribute to this company?” do you reply: a. Uh, dude, what do you mean, “contribute”? Like passing a righteous doobie around the break room? b. Beyond my skills on the computer, I don’t mind stripping off my clothes and cleaning your office; c. I make a killer espresso; d. As I listed on my resumé, I have extensive education and acquired numerous skills that I would bring on board here.
When asked, “Why did you leave your previous job?” do you answer: a. Apparently some bosses get all bent out of shape when you decide to spend Mondays sobering up in jail instead of going to work; b. The DEA claimed some of my veggie wraps contained something other than parsley and Brussels sprouts; c. My previous boss and his secretary disappeared one night after working late and the business closed during the police investigation; d. I felt my skills were underutilized, and I needed more of a challenging and rewarding career.
If you need help answering these three questions, perhaps you should practice flipping a hamburger patty or learning the fine art of hedge trimming. But I bet most of you recent graduates can excel at any venture you wish to attempt. You have acquired years of education and life skills that can lead you to a successful career if you are motivated to do so. And if my advice here actually assists you in a job interview and obtaining that dream job, then my work is done. Go forth and prosper. And, with all sincerity, I offer my congratulations to all you graduates out there.
Clint Younts has attended many graduations, including those of his daughters, who both graduated from Hays High School and Texas State University. He looks forward to attending his grandson’s graduation – in about 16 years.
