From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
For years, I’ve been complaining about the onslaught of Christmas carols that begin pounding our eardrums in early November and continuing non-stop until the day after Christmas. You can go into a store to buy half-price Halloween candy on November 1 and hear “Frosty the Snowman” coming from the ceiling. That’s way too early for Christmas carols, plus it’s hard to get the Christmas spirit while looking at discounted Lady Gaga costumes and other scary stuff.
Now, here it is, just a few days before Christmas and most radio stations are playing holiday music. There are carols being sung by artists of every genre. Lots of country stars have a Christmas album, and I’m sure they are all quite good. Several pop stars have recorded Christmas albums (or do we call them CDs now?). There’s some fella named Michael Buble who has a top-selling album as well as that creepy Justin Bieber who somehow reminds me of the kid in “The Omen”. Still hot items in record stores are Christmas albums by Elvis and Bing Crosby. It seems like everyone has a Christmas album these days, so I was thinking, as I was sipping cider (yeah, just writing “cider” made me chuckle, too) out at the Crow’s Nest; why not make my own Christmas album? How hard could it be?
Well, after a little research, it so happens that there is something called a copyright, and if I use these classic carols in my album, I’d have to pay big bucks to some songwriter. And since I was going to have to hire a singer since I can’t even carry a tune with the help of a pack mule, this project was gonna cost me a fortune. Then, out of some cobwebbed, dusty region of my skull, I got the idea of writing my own versions of classic Christmas carols and selling the lyrics to rich recording artists who haven’t made a Christmas album yet. How brilliant is that! And since I’ve recently acquired the Christmas spirit (it’s on sale at Twin Liquors, by the way), I am going to let all my faithful followers have a sneak peak at what may well be the top-selling Christmas album of 2012.
Now, remember, the law says I must publish my own work and can’t use the title or lyrics from the original songs. Well, that wasn’t a big problem since I can’t remember song titles, and my tin ear scrambles up the actual lyrics before settling in the artsy section of my cider-soaked brain. So I had to make some subtle changes to the original songs. Besides, who’s a better writer, me or Irving Berlin? So, straight from the Crow’s Nest, here is my Christmas album:
“Kringle Bells” is the first of many beautifully written songs on my album, Christmas Songs from the Crow’s Nest. Here’s a little sample of its lyrics that will flow from your mouth:
“Dashing thru Old Crow, in the back of an old Chevrolet
Chasing an armadillo, my shotgun blasting away…”
Now, doesn’t that get you in the Christmas spirit? Nothing says Christmas like an old fashion armadillo hunt on Christmas Eve. Good times, good times.
Next up on this album is a soulful tune “I Came Upon a Midnight Beer,” followed by the jovial song “My VISA Bill’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas.” Next in queue is one of my favorites, “Silver Bullets,” a song that I wrote with the help of Adolph Coors.
This album is loaded with songs dedicated to friends, family and folks I don’t even know. To the homeless guy down on Padre Island, I wrote the poignant melody “Oh, Tanning Bum”, and for all the unshaven fishermen out there in the surf, on track 6 we have “Hark, the Hairy Anglers Sing.”
Next up on this symphonic fruitcake is a campy tune dedicated to my cousin and his annual Yuletide gift of his homemade mesquite-roasted pecans. I call it “Jeff’s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire.” Following this cheery song is the jingle I penned for all my Republican friends out there, especially my pal, Mitt. I titled this tune “We Wish You a Perry Christmas.”
Now you know that I could never write a Christmas album without including a song or two dedicated to my loving wife. So, just for all you, Sweetie, I have included three joyful ditties. The first is the soon-to-be classic “Maw Got Run Over by a John Deere,” followed by the humorous “I Saw Maw Kissing Santa Claus.” Then, we shift gears to the spiritual melody “O Holey Nightgown.” Thanks, Maw, for your inspiration and restocking of my liquor cabinet.
For my last Christmas carol, I collaborated with a dear friend up in the hills of Tennessee on the amusing adaptation of the Twelve Days of Christmas. I titled this song “Twelve Days of Facebook.” For a little taste of this tune, I have included the last line for your bemusement:
“On the 12th day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me: 12 friends I’m blocking, 11 folks just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 dog photo postings, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, five Drama Queens! 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a pokin’ and a virus sent to my PC.”
I hope this compilation of loony tunes give you some joy this Christmas. From the bottom of my heart and the dark recess of my mind, I want to wish each and every one of you a very, merry Christmas and a happy New Year!
Clint Younts will soon be yodeling at the top of his lungs, when he finally finds the liquid holiday spirit that he buried in the barn.
