From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
Recently Maw and I were watching “The Amazing Race” where a group of stressed-out couples are trying to win a million bucks without killing themselves or strangling their partners.
There’s this one guy, an ex-pro football player, and his wife who were currently in last place and falling further behind. As they realized they messed up, he yelled, “Dad gummit!” as he was running through a rice field. “Dad gummit?” How refreshing is it to hear a curse word these days that isn’t crude and downright offensive?
It seems like TV is full of reality shows where angry chefs and spoiled, rich housewives are shouting words in front of a camera that end up getting bleeped. I’m not talking about one or two naughty words but an endless onslaught of expletives. As I was walking into the den one night that Hell’s Kitchen was on, there were so many bleeps, I thought our smoke detector was going off. If I was sitting in Chef Ramsey’s restaurant and heard that kind of language coming from the kitchen, I’d be a little leery of what was in my soup d’jour.
The overabundance of foul language isn’t just on TV. It’s in our schools, public gatherings and workplaces. It pops up on Facebook and can be seen on T-shirts and bumper stickers. Profanity is so common in movies that it’s hard to find a show suitable for kids to watch. TV networks and sensors allow words and innuendos in prime time programs that once were limited to cable TV shows. Car stereos are blasting offensive and derogatory stuff (I refuse to call that crap “music”) out through their windows into the neighborhood. All I want to know is why?
It’s been many moons since I was in high school. Although I was an excellent student, I have forgotten much of what my teachers said. I vaguely recall the Gettysburg Address but can’t recall where it took place. I know why the War of 1812 was fought, but don’t ask me in what year did it occur.
What I do remember with crystalline clarity are the words of a brilliant English teacher. One day during class, a student let a certain four-letter word escape within earshot of Mr. Powell who glared at the boy and said, “Son, you are showing your ignorance.” Whatever subject we were studying that day was pushed aside for a lesson that I not only still remember, but one that embraced the lessons taught by my parents and grandparents. Profanity is a poor substitute for speaking intelligently.
Now, don’t go thinking I’m some prude. I have often been observed being crude, sometimes rude and even occasionally nude, but definitely not prude. I may tell a dirty joke on occasion, and I am a master at innuendos, but you will never hear inappropriate expletives exit my mouth. I still recall the taste of a bar of soap after my mother heard me say some word that apparently was not appropriate for a six-year old. Even today, if I cuss a little after watching a strand of barb wire snap while applying one last pull on my Come-Along, I can still taste Dial soap.
So, if Mr. Powell was right and the reason for so many people and script writers using excessive profanity is a severe lack of literary creativity, allow me to give y’all a lesson on Southern cussin’.
You see, southerners have a tasteful vernacular where folks in less fortunate states, such as New Jersey and Pennsylvania, tend to have a more caustic vocabulary. Some folks only have a handful of cuss words in their personal glossary so they use them frequently to fill gaps in their lackadaisical articulation, believing more is better. True Texans, such as myself, have a way with words, and cussin’ is considered an appendage of our vivid vernacular.
Let’s begin our lesson with words that can be used when your hammer misses the nail and lands on your thumb instead. Some folks up in Brooklyn, NY (do they have hammers and nails in Brooklyn?) may holler words so vile that rats flee into sewers. Texans are known to mutter “Dad burn it!” or “Gawl-dang it!” If it hurts real bad and no women or children are nearby, I might even shout “Gosh darn!” Anything worse than that and suds mysteriously bubble from my mouth.
There is one 4-letter word that phonologically-deficient folks frequently use that is crudely synonymous to fecal matter. Oh, my, there are so many imaginative terms that we can substitute that will make the curse much more colorful, such as “cow patty” or “horse biscuit.” If some surface is slippery, then say “It’s slicker’n goose poop on a tile floor.” If the subject matter is the speed of some moving object, then we say it is “as fast as a duck on a June bug.” Instead of inflicting enough pain upon someone, causing a voidance of his bowels, we can use the term “beat the tar out of.” Much nicer visual, huh?
Here are some other Southernisms that can be used instead of vulgar vocalizations: “For crying out loud!” and “Lord a’mercy!” You can use either of these sayings to emphasize your frustrations without causing harm to sensitive ears. I also like the idiom, “What in tarnation…” I’m not sure what “tarnation” is, but I think beating the “tar” out of someone is derived from this term.
Here is an example of what a nice Southern grandmother might say when she walks into her living room to see her grandsons had just re-enacted a bar fight from an episode of Gunsmoke: “Lord a’mercy! What in tarnation happened in here? If you boys don’t clean up this God-awful mess, somebody is darn-tootin’ gonna receive a whuppin’. For crying out loud!”
Now, I don’t expect people who read this to go out and clean up their vocabulary. Perhaps some folks like to use vulgar language while others simply aren’t creative enough to find alternate, more appropriate words. Maybe some of you don’t realize you are showing your ignorance. Perhaps some of my colorful curse words will become part of your vocabulary or you make up some of your own. And I am afraid there are some folks who will curse me for writing this column. To those misinformed societal misfits, you can purse your lips and osculate my snowy-white gluteus maximus.
Clint Younts’ mouth is rarely foaming with soap suds, unless his column gets skipped.
