From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
If ya’ll might recall, my last column dealt with being a true Texan and how some foreign imports try to pass themselves off as one. If I stepped on some frost-bit toes, I’m awfully sorry, and by the way, I hear Kansas is a right nice place to live if you don’t cotton to us Texans. Now, if you folks who crossed over our borders are happy here in the Lone Star State and have accepted our way of doin’ things, let me welcome ya’ll. If I can be of some help with in’thang, just ask.
What’s that? You’re havin’ trouble understanding the language of Texans? Well, darlin’, we do speak English down here, although we pronounce it as “Ainglish”. How ‘bout it if I give ya’ll a little lesson on speakin’ Texan so ya’ll don’t feel out of place like a PETA member at a barbecue joint?
First of all, you never ask a fella if he’s a Texan. If he is, he’ll tell ya. If he ain’t, you’d just embarrass him. Before you start up a conversation with a man, you need to understand there’s a difference in being a redneck, a good ol’ boy and poor white trash. It’d be downright troublesome if you were to joke about one’s heritage. Personally, I’d like to consider myself a good ol’ boy with a tad of redneck pitched in. Only when I’m doin’ my tax return do I refer to my status as poor white trash.
There’s a whole mess of words we say in Texas that mean something totally differ’nt in some other state out yonder. Like the word “mess” that I just used. It can mean something sloppy, but here in Texas it also reflects a large quantity. If you go fishin’ and come back with a “mess of crappy,” it don’t mean you need to wash out your drawers.
Another word we use frequently here is “fixin’”. Sure, it can mean the same as repairing, but Texans rarely repair anything. We just do some riggin’ so we can get on with our work. “Fixin’” can apply to doing something in a timely manner, such as “I’m fixin’ to go to the hardware store so I can rig up clothesline ‘cause Ma’s warsher’s on the blink agin.” Now if you make “fixin” plural, it means something totally different. “Fixins” is what your momma makes to go along with the turkey on Thanksgivin’.
Speakin’ of food, let me reflect on some Texas grub. Most southerners know what grits are, but here in Texas, grits can be served at any meal, not just for breakfast with those scrambled aigs. And gravy can be served on the side with pert’near anything: biscuits, mashed taters, rice and anything fried. Now, if you want a beer with that chicken fried steak and all the fixins, be sure to order a col’ beer so the server will think you’re a good ol’ boy. Hopefully your steak ain’t tough as boot leather, or you might pitch a conniption.
Here’s a word that varies in its enunciation depending on what part of Texas you’re from. The word “wash” is known to collect the letter “r” once you pass south of the Colorado River. Being bred and born down in Bee County, we pronounce the word as “warsh,” as in “Give me a col’ beer to warsh this dust down my throat.” Plus, that place out east with all the crooked politicians is “Warshington D.C.” True Texans may recall Coach Tom Landry (please bow your heads) calling that football team out that way as the Warshington Redskins, so in my book, that’s the correct pronunciation.
The weather here in Texas is a bit different than other states, so we have to have our own meteorological terminology. When a cold front blows in from up north, it’s referred to as a “norther.” If it’s comes down quickly and harshly, causing your dawg to get frozen to a fire hydrant, then we call that a “blue norther.” A long spell with no rain can be called a “drought” or a “drouth,” either term is acceptable. When talking about the intense summer heat, a Texan has got to compare it with something, like “It’s hotter’n a shotgun barrel at a skeet shoot,” or “I’m hotter’n a hog in longjohns.”
Texans got their own way of cussin’. Up north, I believe it’s called cursing, but down here, we took the “r” out and stuck in the “warsh.” True Texans don’t use all that terrible language you hear on cable TV because we have our own cuss words. “Dang it” and “durn it” was once considered pretty salty language when I was growin’ up. My grandfather used to say “Dad gum it” but not in front of women. “Dag nab it” is still one of my favorite cusses along with the word “shoot.” I had an uncle who liked the phrase “I’ll swan,” but I don’t think he was cussin’ when he used it.
When speaking of our health, Texans have a few unique medical terms one might not hear on “House” or “Grey’s Anatomy.” After a Texan does some hard work like stretchin’ bob wire or choppin’ a mess of mesquite, he might get all stove up, meaning he’s stiff and sore. If a cowboy steps in a gopher hole while chasing his hat that just got blow’d off by a blue norther, then his ankle might get swole up. Being lactose intolerant, if I were to eat some Blue Bell ice cream on top of my blackberry cobbler, then my gut would swole up and I might get as gassy as an old army mule in a corn field.
Speakin’ of being gassy, we have several terms for flatulence, but if I were to include them in this column, it might make ya’ll think I’ve got no culture. Aw heck, let me just add one thing real quick; then I’ll move on. Have ya’ll ever noticed that if ol’ granny lets out a poot during a wedding reception, folks smile and say, “Well, bless her heart”, but if I let one slip, they say, “Aw, Clint, you nasty redneck!”
Let me teach ya’ll a few more Texas sayings, then I’ll wrap this up and get back to Farmville. If you’re trying to hang a gate and it drags the ground when you swing it open, then something is “catty whompus.” Doors can do this too, and sometimes after a norther creates a gully warsher, wood doors are known to become swole up and may not shut right. This can cause folks to get madder’n all git out if they need some privacy after eating a mess of grits and pintos.
I hope I was able to give you non-Texans some helpful insight to our colorful speech. Now, if you are inflicted with a northern accent, don’t try to pass yourself as a Texan by saying stuff like “fixin’ to” and cussin’ “Gosh durn it” when you lose a game of warsher pitchin’ because we’ll know better. If you get perturbed at us Texans for talkin’ like we’re better’n other folks, well, it’s not our fault. Like we say ‘round here, “if you’ve done it, then it ain’t braggin.” Welcome to Texas.
