Breaking generational cycles: what we say and what we mean

If you’ve spent any time on any form of social media lately, you might have noticed the “trend” that spans, I would say, the millennial generation and younger of “breaking generational curses.”

This often refers to any number of things that people of those generations are trying to do different from the generation before them (i.e. their parents) not only in raising children, but in relationships and life in general.

It almost never fails that you will find a comment about how the, let’s call them cycle-breakers, should be “thankful” because they “didn’t really have it that bad” and their parents “did the best they could.”

And here’s the thing, as a 32-year-old wife and mom of a six-year-old son, who has a few generational cycles I would like to break myself, I truly do believe my parents did the best they knew to do when they raised me.

That being said, they were not (and are not) perfect. And that is the point; none of us are perfect.

Let me tell you another thing that is true for the cycle-breakers and our parents  — we all want our children to grow up to be better than us, to have a better life, more opportunities, more stability, more knowledge, more happiness. Oh, and less mistakes, less heartache and fewer mental health struggles.

So, why do we get such push back from the generations before us? Can we not simultaneously be thankful for where we came from and want better for our children? Can we not recognize the honest mistakes made by our parents and strive to not make those same mistakes with our children?

For example, I am a child of divorced parents. Truthfully, my parents probably never should have been married in the first place. And, as someone with parents who divorced when I was seven years old, my perspective and experience in life is colored a little differently than someone whose parents are still married and different, still, than someone whose parents were never married.

And that is expected.

What I also know is that, among my same-aged peers, the friendly relationship that my parents fought hard to maintain is considered unusual. And for that, I am thankful.

One of the things that I hope my son never has to know, is the pain of having divorced (although friendly) parents. For this reason, I make it a point to have a strong relationship with my husband and to keep cultivating that relationship, despite the day-to-day busyness of life.

Does that make me ungrateful? Does that negate the negative experiences I had? No. It makes me the wife I am today; one who strives to make communication a priority and recognize my own shortcomings in my marriage. There are other childhood experiences that make me the mom I am today. And there are more lived experiences that make me the business owner, friend, boss and worker I am today.

It also doesn’t negate the fact that I want my son to have a life I couldn’t even, in my wildest dreams, imagine. And, for that reason, I continue to work on breaking the generational cycles that brought me to this place. One day, I hope my son continues the work with his own family.

Kontnier is publisher of the Hays Free Press and News-Dispatch. She can be reached via email at [email protected]