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Growing up, I dreamed of being a Disney princess. Aurora, aka 'Sleeping Beauty,' was my favorite, with Ariel, 'The Little Mermaid,' being a close runnerup. I have memories of singing all day long with an exaggerated vibrato and driving everyone around me insane. To me, those princesses were the pinnacle of beauty and everything good.
As I got older, I shed the wannabe princess and decided I wanted to be a musician. I wanted to be a rock star. In middle school, I joined my parents’ church youth band and sang worship songs.
When our guitar player graduated, I learned how to play guitar. Being in this band was both fulfilling … and somehow a letdown.
I am a perfectionist. I don’t want to do anything unless I know I'm going to be good at it. It’s something I’ve always struggled with and only now am I starting to come to terms with it. Call me vain, but I knew I was good at singing; I had tons of practice. Also, my mom is a singer and was in bands playing on 6th Street in Austin before she was even my age, so I had a great teacher. Thankfully, I had also dropped the extreme vibrato that I had adopted from the princesses, which definitely helped my skills.
Back to being a perfectionist. I was good at singing, decent at guitar. I even auditioned for “The Voice” TV show back when it was just getting started.
(Spoiler alert, I didn’t even make it onto the show.)
I thought I was made for bigger and better things than just playing in a youth band. But because of my perfectionism, I was scared to try anything else. So, I stayed in the band until I graduated high school. Afterwards, I would play sometimes at open mics and with friends, but otherwise I kinda let the musical part of me die. Which, I’ll admit, sounds dramatic, but I was so concerned with being perfect and good at it from the beginning that I really nailed some boards across that door to keep it closed. And that’s where it’s stayed. My musical inclination was trapped behind a door with boards nailed over it because I was so overwhelmed by trying to be perfect that I couldn’t even let myself try. I would talk myself out of practicing or get discouraged because an endeavor didn’t turn out the way I had wanted. For years, I let that part of me go and focused on other things.
This year, I’m determined to start prying some of those boards off.
I now recognize that I'm not going to be perfect and great at everything from the start and that's okay. I’ll admit, I still struggle with being my own worst critic, but I’m trying to be more gentle with myself.
I got a piano keyboard for Christmas as a gift from my parents. I almost cried when I got it. My parents have always been supportive of my musical endeavors, but because of my own fears, I never pursued it. Getting this piano was the inspiration I needed to finally kick open that door that had been shut for so long. I now play as often as I can and it’s honestly a great way to get out pent up feelings.
I think the lesson in all of this is to not be such a perfectionist and don’t be so hard on yourself.
Pursue your dreams, even if they seem out of reach.
I never would’ve even been here in this job if I hadn’t just tried, even though I’m not perfect at it (just ask my coworkers). I don’t know what the future entails, but I’m going forward.
Brown is a reporter for the Hays Free Press/ News-Dispatch. He can be reached by emailing [email protected].
