Brittany Kelley
SAN MARCOS — Today, Cyrus Gray works with local nonprofit Mano Amiga in an attempt to aid and support others the way he was during his case, but the journey to get here was long and traumatizing. Detailing the trials and tribulations of his incarceration, Gray released his first memoir, “I Killed A Man,” June 9.
Gray was originally charged with capital murder in 2018 and eventually received a dismissal without prejudice in 2023, meaning that the case could come back at any time. Although some may believe that this is what inspired his book, he noted that it was actually the horrors that still persist despite the dismissal that pushed his need to share his story.
The very moment that pushed him too far was in 2024, recalled Gray, when he and his then-girlfriend were driving in San Antonio and got pulled over.
As Gray was attempting to call his lawyer, he stated that officers began surrounding him in the car, guns drawn, yelling at him, treating him as though he is a threat.
Because the car is in his name and he still has the charge, any time an officer runs his license plate, they are notified that he has a capital murder charge, leading to an immediate reaction, he explained.
“All because you ran my license plate and you saw that I had this charge associated with my name, I became public enemy number one … Even trying to get into an apartment, it doesn’t show that my case was dismissed,” said Gray. “It shows that I had a mistrial, but they never put in the system that the case was ever resolved. So, it’s still affecting me very negatively in every aspect of my life.”
After getting arrested that day, Mano Amiga got him out of the situation, but he was fixated on it. Distraught and needing relief, he sat on his balcony for four days straight and wrote nonstop.
“It was a triggering thing, but one I needed to get out,” said Gray.
He has always been gifted in writing, recalling teachers encouraging him to join literary and poetry clubs, but school was never a drive for him, as he preferred sports. Despite this, he found himself writing often while incarcerated. From television and movie scripts to business plans and more, he wrote to give himself something to look forward to when he was released, but he didn’t envision himself an author until Stanford University professor Matthew Clair aided Gray in publishing an essay at Inquest, a forum by the Institute to End Mass Incarceration.
From here, he began writing more often, sending articles to publications around the nation, where he received praise.
Then, he wrote his memoir, “I Killed A Man”: “Even if it wasn’t something that turned out to be an actual book, I just needed to get it out and once I was able to get it all out and then, I read it over. At that point it was healing … My book takes you back beyond my arrest, just playing back and thinking back on the memories of my life leading up to the circumstance of my arrest and how my life trajectory changed,” he said.
The book title is a metaphor for the versions of Gray that had to be killed to move forward and re-enter society.
One version of himself that died was the man that Gray said he turned into after he received a mistrial. He explained that he felt so mentally defeated that he became the monster that the justice system originally labeled him as.
He was doing things that were considered suicide in jail: snatching blankets off of sleeping men after his was taken, declaring for them to come and take it back from him if they wanted it so bad; participating in fights; and becoming the man that the guards didn’t want to mess with, causing code names to be created for him.
“That’s one example of stuff I had to separate from and that version of Cyrus was inherited and learned from my jail experience. Because when you’re in jail … you have to become the biggest person in the room,” Gray said. “That’s just the version of Cyrus that I turned into that doesn’t serve you in the real world. Being angry and putting the fist first or being quick to be aggressive and violent, even if it’s warranted or not, that doesn’t serve the man that I want to be. It doesn’t serve the type of help that I want to provide to the community.”
After his draft was completed, Gray began a GoFundMe in hopes to publish the book, but he explained that he didn’t advertise it, as he struggles asking for help. So, for months, it went unpromoted and eventually, through various conversations at events, the word got out and his goal was reached. The book was published June 9.
“[Having the book physically] was amazing. Honestly, it was such a relief. It felt like a big milestone for me,” he said. “It definitely was a feeling; it was an inspiring feeling.”
Gray hopes that others feel a similar way when they hold his book, since he hopes to motivate others to fight for themselves earlier on, stating that this is what he and DeVonte Amerson, his co-defendant and childhood friend, did differently compared to others. Additionally, he wants to let others know that his situation is not uncommon; it can happen to anyone.
“I hope that people gain a better perspective of the reality of the criminal justice system because my situation is not unique,” said Gray. “Speaking to a lot of people who have been incarcerated, the difference between their stories and their outcomes and me and DeVonte is that we fought hard pretrial to overcome this terrible thing that happened to us.”
He also wants to remove the notion that being incarcerated automatically means that someone is guilty. He and Amerson were in jail for so long — four and five years, respectively — because they were never offered bail and many are trapped inside because they cannot afford it, not necessarily because they are guilty.
“A lot of people associate incarceration with, ‘Oh, you have to be there for a reason. You must have did whatever it was that they said you did.’ The reality is, police are bad at their job. A lot of people are wrongfully arrested. A lot of people are arrested without cause. A lot of people are accused of things and they have to sit there and eventually, they’ll plead out because you have an attorney that’s convincing you that’s the fastest way for you to get home,” Gray explained, stating that he also experienced this push. “That’s why convictions are high, not because actual criminals are being convicted, but simply because there’s a lot of fear mongering going on.”
Even in the instance of Justin Gage, whom Gray and Amerson were accused of murdering, he stated that justice has still not been served because the state focused on attempting to get the two to take a plea deal, rather than solving the case.
Although the process to get to where Gray is at today has been long and difficult, he shared that he is not nervous to have his story out in the world; he has made peace with it and has received praise from those who have read the memoir.
The new author is currently working on a book tour, with dates slated across the nation, including in Chicago, Baton Rouge, Austin and more.
Gray will be holding a book reading at 12:30 p.m. at the Green Heron Bookshop, located at 504 Burleson St., San Marcos, July 6.
To purchase “I Killed A Man,” visit bit.ly/4erhNee.
