By Belen Anchondo, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC – McCoy Family Shelter Counselor
Guilt and shame are common feelings experienced by sexual assault survivors of any age. As part of the assault, survivors are often led to believe that it is their fault. After a while, they start to believe they are bad which moves them from guilt to shame. This often takes away from the survivor’s estimation of their self-value because shame becomes a maladaptive thought process, which only grows as more time passes.
Eventually, this thought process may permeate the survivor’s lifestyle and self-image. It affects the way they view themselves and the choices they make. Children who are assaulted are particularly vulnerable to this type of maladaptive viewpoint because they grow up believing they are not worthy. Usually an abuser is someone who is known and trusted, so kids believe if someone who is supposed to love them hurts them then it must mean they do not deserve unconditional love.
Many survivors will have a low self-esteem as a result of never being validated paired with this feeling of shame and a low opinion of their self-value. Unfortunately, this becomes a pattern, which may lead a survivor to abusive relationships. This may be a greater risk for those who have never received intervention and treatment. Many times child victims of abuse may become promiscuous or act out behaviorally as a way to cope with all the emotions they are feeling.
An important step in a survivor’s healing is helping them regain their power and helping them learn to value themselves. Part of this path to healing should include self-compassion, which means being kind to oneself and not taking the blame for what happened. Victims of sexual assault have been taught by their experiences that they are not worth anything. Those who don’t value themselves may be more likely to make negative choices because they believe that is all they deserve.
So how do we get someone out of this negative cycle? There is never a “one size fits all” solution, but a good place to start would be the survivor’s sense of self-worth. Teaching survivors to value themselves when they feel that no one in their lives has valued them is a daunting task. A tool such as positive self-talk is encouraged. Some people like to write positive quotes on sticky notes and post them in highly visible locations such as a bathroom mirror so they can see them every day. For children, having a role model they look up to tell them they are good enough and that they are worthy will considerably impact their self-image.
Another tool that can be used to improve one’s sense of value is increased self-care. Encouraging survivors to take a little time out of their day to do something for themselves may not seem like a lot to ask, but it is for them. Many survivors will feel guilty for paying attention to themselves, but self-care is necessary to reduce stress and can aid the emotional healing process.
Children can also engage in self-care by using play. Kids need to be allowed to have fun which can be very therapeutic in and of itself.
Value must come from within before one is able to make choices that are more conducive to one’s life.. Often times, the battles we fight in silence are the toughest and this is definitely a silent battle for many survivors. Healing is a long and difficult journey. It is an ongoing choice to stay committed to change, but once we get to a place where we know our value, it can greatly improve our quality of life. Abuse and challenge can be transformed to resiliency and hope.
The following article is the fifth and final article of a five-week series focusing on raising awareness about sexual assault and child abuse.
