by Melissa G. Rodriguez
A startling reality was not something that parents wanted to hear at a recent YouthFest 2018, co-hosted by the Hays Caldwell Women’s Center (HCWC).
At this free family-friendly event, attendees came by the HCWC table to play a spinning wheel game that had some spaces with questions about child abuse. One particular question that clearly demonstrated that there is much work still to be done – “Are children more likely to be abused by a stranger or someone they know?”
Nationally, 90% of children who are sexually abused are abused by someone known to them, not a stranger. At HCWC, that number is closer to 99 percent.
Every child answered, saying “a stranger.” Even some parents seemed uncomfortable when confronted with the truth, that someone a child knows is more likely to abuse them than a stranger. Nationally, 90% of children who are sexually abused are abused by someone known to them, not a stranger. At HCWC, that number is closer to 99 percent.
For parents to look around to those closest to their family and consider an acquaintance could harm your child is terrifying. And teaching children this reality is not at easy task.However, children need adults to push aside fear and face this reality.
First, though, parents must educate themselves and learn who child sexual abusers are, what they look like and how they keep getting away with their crimes.
Grooming is the term used in the child sexual abuse field and is defined as a process used by the abuser to establish the trust of the child and the trust of the child’s parents or guardians. According to the Hero Project, predators will usually try to gain access to a child by grooming the parents. Abusers use this method to cover up their intentions and it can be confusing and shameful for the child when sexual abuse takes place. They don’t understand why someone who loves and cares for them would betray that trust and abuse them. Abusers are manipulative and often appear like “good” people. Kids doubt their feelings about the abuse and feel like they will not be believed.
Abusers rely on this kind of relationship to mask their criminal and traumatizing behavior. Think of Jerry Sandusky, for example. To the public eye, he was a respected winning coach at one of the top college football programs who also started a worthy charity that served at-risk youth by providing mentors and opportunities otherwise unattainable to them. To the world, he was the epitome of a “good respectable man,” but behind this guise, he hid an awful secret life that finally came to the forefront. He was convicted of 45 counts of sexually abusing young boys over a 15-year period.
There are also local stories that don’t make national headlines. In Hays and Caldwell counties, there have been many criminal convictions of biological fathers, stepfathers, uncles, grandfathers, coaches, youth pastor and even a mother of the victim’s friend. All were found guilty of child sexual abuse crimes with punishments ranging from probation to multiple life sentences. All of these perpetrators were seen as “good” people by those around them. They were locals who live in our neighborhoods, work in local businesses, attend our schools, and were not strangers to the children they abused.
How can parents help their children? First, if you hear or know a child has been abused – believe them and report it to local authorities. In Texas, everyone over the age of 18 is legally required to report any suspected abuse. As long as you act in good faith, you don’t have to know unequivocally abuse has occurred; you only have to suspect it. Leave it to the trained professionals to do their jobs and investigate the allegations.
Second, parents need to talk to their children. Let them know that no one, not even someone they know, is ever allowed to touch them inappropriately or make them keep secrets. Talk to them about body safety and seek resources if you need help starting that conversation.
Adopting these practices doesn’t ensure 100 percent that children will not be harmed or abused. But if they feel safe, knowledgeable and educated they’re more likely to let someone they trust know what is happening. The only way to prevent child sexual abuse is to remove the mask of the abuser, hold them accountable and make it less likely they will continue their behavior.
A startling reality was not something that parents wanted to hear at a recent YouthFest 2018, co-hosted by the Hays Caldwell Women’s Center (HCWC).
At this free family-friendly event, attendees came by the HCWC table to play a spinning wheel game that had some spaces with questions about child abuse. One particular question that clearly demonstrated that there is much work still to be done – “Are children more likely to be abused by a stranger or someone they know?”
Every child answered, saying “a stranger.” Even some parents seemed uncomfortable when confronted with the truth, that someone a child knows is more likely to abuse them than a stranger. Nationally, 90% of children who are sexually abused are abused by someone known to them, not a stranger. At HCWC, that number is closer to 99 percent.
For parents to look around to those closest to their family and consider an acquaintance could harm your child is terrifying. And teaching children this reality is not at easy task.However, children need adults to push aside fear and face this reality.
First, though, parents must educate themselves and learn who child sexual abusers are, what they look like and how they keep getting away with their crimes.
Grooming is the term used in the child sexual abuse field and is defined as a process used by the abuser to establish the trust of the child and the trust of the child’s parents or guardians. According to the Hero Project, predators will usually try to gain access to a child by grooming the parents. Abusers use this method to cover up their intentions and it can be confusing and shameful for the child when sexual abuse takes place. They don’t understand why someone who loves and cares for them would betray that trust and abuse them. Abusers are manipulative and often appear like “good” people. Kids doubt their feelings about the abuse and feel like they will not be believed.
Abusers rely on this kind of relationship to mask their criminal and traumatizing behavior. Think of Jerry Sandusky, for example. To the public eye, he was a respected winning coach at one of the top college football programs who also started a worthy charity that served at-risk youth by providing mentors and opportunities otherwise unattainable to them. To the world, he was the epitome of a “good respectable man,” but behind this guise, he hid an awful secret life that finally came to the forefront. He was convicted of 45 counts of sexually abusing young boys over a 15-year period.
There are also local stories that don’t make national headlines. In Hays and Caldwell counties, there have been many criminal convictions of biological fathers, stepfathers, uncles, grandfathers, coaches, youth pastor and even a mother of the victim’s friend. All were found guilty of child sexual abuse crimes with punishments ranging from probation to multiple life sentences. All of these perpetrators were seen as “good” people by those around them. They were locals who live in our neighborhoods, work in local businesses, attend our schools, and were not strangers to the children they abused.
How can parents help their children? First, if you hear or know a child has been abused – believe them and report it to local authorities. In Texas, everyone over the age of 18 is legally required to report any suspected abuse. As long as you act in good faith, you don’t have to know unequivocally abuse has occurred; you only have to suspect it. Leave it to the trained professionals to do their jobs and investigate the allegations.
Second, parents need to talk to their children. Let them know that no one, not even someone they know, is ever allowed to touch them inappropriately or make them keep secrets. Talk to them about body safety and seek resources if you need help starting that conversation.
Adopting these practices doesn’t ensure 100 percent that children will not be harmed or abused. But if they feel safe, knowledgeable and educated they’re more likely to let someone they trust know what is happening. The only way to prevent child sexual abuse is to remove the mask of the abuser, hold them accountable and make it less likely they will continue their behavior.
