[dropcap]H[/dropcap]ave y’all ever read a small but fascinating news article in the daily paper and wished there was more to it? You know, those little blurbs stuck around page 11 that were placed there just to fill space above some ad for hearing aids. Most are just a paragraph long and very few even catch my attention, but occasionally one comes along and grabs me like a lonely TSA agent. Unfortunately, one paragraph just doesn’t satisfy my thirst for knowledge. I want more. Like Paul Harvey, I want to hear the rest of the story.
These short stories leave you hanging. Remember the old Batman TV show where an episode ends with Batman and Robin facing almost certain death? Then you hear, “Is this the end of Batman? Will the Joker get the last laugh? Tune in tomorrow. Same Bat- time, same Bat-channel.” And you couldn’t wait until the next show to see how the Dynamic Duo got out of this mess. Well, some news articles are like that, except there is no conclusion in tomorrow’s paper, just another ad for hearing aids.
Well, last week, I came across such a story on page A19 of the Austin paper. Its bold headlines grabbed me like a drunken widow-woman in a unisex bathroom. I don’t know if y’all read this or not, and stop me if you have, but up in northern Idaho, out on Highway 95, a 50-year-old woman struck a deer on the road.
Yeah, I know, cars hitting deer ain’t no big news, but when this gal was questioned by the county deputy about the accident, she informed the lawman that she was distracted when she saw a sasquatch in her rearview mirror. She claimed that Bigfoot was chasing the deer when the poor critter ran in front of her car. I kid you not!
Okay, now that I have your attention, let me kick up some dust about this story. First of all, why was it on A19 and not on the front page? We see stuff about Trump and the Russians every stinkin’ day on the front page, but when was the last time you read a story about a near-tragic car crash caused by a hungry sasquatch? Right? This is real news. We don’t want to read about high school teachers doing the wild thing with their students, or articles of mass murders or wildfires. Things that commonly occur aren’t new, right? But a car crash in Idaho caused by a hairy ape-man is definitely what I’d consider news-worthy.
My second gripe about this titillating sasquatch story is the tale ends abruptly with the police report indicating the accident was a vehicle versus deer collision and no mention of Bigfoot. I want to know first if the woman was given a breathalyzer test. Or, was CSI-Boise called out to search for big footprints or smelly hair fibers? Was there sufficient evidence that this was indeed a sasquatch-induced vehicular deericide and the local government is covering it up like Area 51?
Can you imagine what it would be like to see this case go to court? I don’t know if the woman was issued any citation, but, dude, I’d love to sit in the jury box if that poor lady was to fight the ticket. I can imagine her testimony. “Well, yer Honor. I was jest drivin’ down to see my sister. She’s got the gout and I was takin’ her some venison stew. Well, I see this big ol’ buck runnin’ beside my Buick, and when I looked up at the mirror, I seen ‘im. Big, hairy thang chasin’ the deer. Wuddn’t no bear or go-rilla. Kinda looked like my second husband after he wuz released from prison. I’m tellin’ ya, it wuz Bigfoot who caused the wreak, not my arthritis medicine.”
Yep, these are the kind of stories I want to see in our newspapers. And, by golly, if I find such a gem hidden among all that yellow journalism, I will dig it out and show y’all. As for the rest of this story, stay tuned in to this column.
