[dropcap]D[/dropcap]ear Sir (or Madam, as the case may be):
Perhaps you’ve heard that we have a new president down here in the U.S. of A. I recently conferred with him, and we came up with a few items in life that could use improvement. He’s busy: golf courses, hotels, casinos, and now the presidency, so I promised to pass along our recommendations. Hopefully it will not seem too forward if I point out certain flaws in your sixth day creation. Not that I’m complaining, but what were you thinking when you created human beings?
1. First, there’s stubborn resistance. Whatever its purpose, less would be better. It would be hard to tell you how frustrating it is to live with people who dig in their heels and refuse to believe that I’m almost always right. Should you choose to correct this problem, please begin with certain members of Congress. You’ll find them in the D.C. area or on fact finding trips in the Bahamas. You might also want to check out the Texas State Capitol grounds.
2. Pain is a protective device, right? It keeps us from using damaged body parts and damaging them even further, like trying to walk on broken ankles. Good idea, but here’s a better one: Have the pain come first, before the injury. That way most accidents could be avoided, with the added benefit of lowering insurance rates considerably.
3. Should Number 2 be impractical for some reason, is it absolutely essential for elbows to hurt so much when striking hard objects? A couple of layers of padding in that area would help. Elbows are too boney anyway, and if you don’t mind my saying so, they are rarely attractive as presently designed.
4. Eyes were a terrific invention, but they are often faulty, and I haven’t noticed that they improve a lot with age. Many of us need glasses, and there’s no place to keep them. Noses help, yes, but how about when glasses are removed and misplaced? I mean seriously misplaced. Permanently. Since you did not see fit to install glasses as standard equipment, a built-in glasses case would improve the quality of life bigly, maybe in that wasted space below the chin. That would eliminate double chins, which, let’s face it, are no more attractive than elbows.
5. On another subject entirely, it’s difficult to see the purpose of fire arts. I was getting along fine before they got here. Not one word did they say to immigration authorities, and as far as I can tell they aren’t tired, poor, or yearning to be free. Further, I can’t see what they contribute to the economy. Perhaps you can find meaningful work for them elsewhere. Should this be impossible, I will not be disappointed if you decide to do away with them altogether.
Please feel free to contact me if you need further advice. Twitter isn’t my thing, but you can reach me by phone.
Humbly yours,
Wynette Barton
