[dropcap]W[/dropcap]ell, 2017 finally arrived, and I’m still on this side of the dirt. I made it all through 2016 without any trips to the ER or in front of a judge. I still see my column in newsprint, and nasty letters to the editor are rare. I can’t brag about achieving my New Year’s resolution for 2016 ’cause, frankly, I don’t remember what it was. So, I might’ve accomplished it, or I might’ve blown it by January 2. Who knows? As for my resolution for this year, I might have a real shot at getting ’er done.
In previous New Year’s columns, I might’ve rambled on about newsworthy stories of the past year, or sometimes, I made predictions of the months to come. Sometimes I hit the nail on its head while other predictions left you as confused as Bruce Jenner at a Sadie Hawkins dance. Well this year, with my resolution being an attempt at multi-tasking, I am going to combine the two and see what happens. So, let’s see what you might’ve already forgotten about 2016 and what’s in store for us in 2017.
The biggest story of 2016 has got to be Donald Trump getting elected president. Who’d a-thunk it? So, what’s in store for all of us in the next four years? To paraphrase Charles Dickens, it may be the best of times, or the worst of times. Who knows? Well, allow me to gaze into my crystal mug and glance into the future.
Shortly after his inauguration, Commander-in-Chief Trump sends the Delta Force into Rockefeller Center to seize control of the Saturday Night Live studio and capture Alec Baldwin.
In late January, we witness the Trumps moving into the White House. In February, Barbara Walters interviews the Obamas in their new home in Quebec.
A month into his presidency, Trump becomes annoyed with his advisers and aides. He fires his entire cabinet and replaces them with Amazon’s Alexa for all decision making.
In early March, 2017, VP Mike Pence prevents global war by hiding Trump’s phone and closing his Twitter account.
Okay, enough prognosticating about politics, let me refresh my looking glass, and I will look around some more. Hmm? In the NFL, I see Colin Kaepernick on his knees again, but this time he is begging for a job. In September, he starts as quarterback for the Moscow Hackers in the newly formed Russian Football League.
We all recall the fuss about transgender bathrooms last year, right? I foresee other groups protesting about their rights to use the public facilities of their choice, so in April, Congress passes legislation allowing rednecks to pee on trees of their choosing.
Legalized marijuana spread through some states like a West Texas grass fire in 2016. I predict tragedy at a Colorado ski resort this winter when so many doobies are lit around the resort’s hot tub one night that it causes the snow caps to melt, flooding the town below.
We lost some talented musicians this past year. David Bowie, Glenn Frye, Prince and others. As I gaze into my glass portal, I see more and more music lovers logging onto Spotify and Pandora to listen to music of the 70s and 80s because 2017’s pop music still sucks.
Y’all remember back in 2016 when there was that Pokemon Go craze, and a little later in the year, all the clown sightings? According to my crystal mug, there will be a new fad this summer where yuppies go around town, armed with smart phones and cream pies, in search of creepy clowns.
And my last prediction for 2017: Once again, this jaunty journalist is passed over for a Pulitzer Prize. Who’d a-thunk it?
Whether he shares his spirit or his elixir, you can always know that Clint Younts is sitting out on his back deck – this time watching frosty deer.
