[dropcap]D[/dropcap]ear Madames and Sirs of the Supreme Court:
It was surprising when you ruled, a few years ago, that a corporation is entitled to free speech because it is legally defined as an individual.
Seems to me that sort of stretches the definition of “individual,” but what do I know? The upshot is that a corporation can spend any amount of money pushing its agenda, political or otherwise, while writing it off as a business expense and not reporting it as a political contribution.
I’m willing to wait to see how this decision turns out in the long run. In the meantime, I have a few questions about a corporation’s personhood. I hope you can answer these without my having to hire a lawyer to appear in your chambers, which I’m told can be quite expensive.
1. I was once on the board of a corporation that outlived its usefulness, so it was killed. Does this mean I have committed murder? Accessory to murder? Since I didn’t realize at the time that a corporation is a person, can I get off with a charge of manslaughter?
2. I’m on the board of another corporation that has operated for a long time and has paid taxes regularly. Any chance it could start collecting Social Security soon? Please send a phone number for someone I can consult about this, preferably someone without music or commercials while I wait.
3. I would like for the above corporation (#2) to be able to vote; however it does not have a voter registration card. Our County Elections Officer laughed when I tried to register it. I can prove it is native born and old enough to meet voting requirements. I do not understand why this individual would not be allowed to vote and think this may be voter intimidation. Should I notify the FBI?
4. When we get this corporation registered to vote, who will cast its ballot? I’m sure you understand the logistical problems in driving a corporation to a polling place. I can’t even see it, much less get it into a car.
5. A nonprofit corporation on whose board I have served for many years has a meager income acquired mostly by begging. By any standards it would meet poverty qualifications. We would like to apply for subsidized housing and any other programs that might be available to the destitute. Please advise how to go about making application.
6. A corporation promised that its product would get ink out of my new blue shirt. It didn’t. This was clearly an intent to deceive and extort money from the unsuspecting. Can this corporation be sent to jail? I don’t want to cost the country unnecessary money, it being in debt and all. What is the cost of prison facilities for a corporation? With gender in possible question, how will the restroom problem be handled?
I await your wise counsel on these matters.
Your faithful servant,
Wynette Barton
