[dropcap]B[/dropcap]y the time y’all see this, the election will be over. We will have us a new president and it probably won’t be me. As y’all might recall, I was running as a write-in candidate. I thought there were plenty of folks who were thoroughly disgusted with the shady characters, I mean candidates, which we had on the ballot and would like an alternative choice for president, so I tossed my hat in the ring.
I knew my chances were slim, but I figured I’d get some votes in at least three counties. I conducted an exit poll as I was leaving our neighborhood election site, only to discover that my own wife didn’t write in my name. She claimed it would’ve taken too long to write my name and she wanted to get home in time to watch Wheel of Fortune. Well, I figured my two wonderful daughters had voted for me, but I learned neither one did. Well, if that don’t beat all!
I polled other family members. One cousin claimed he’d have a deadly allergic reaction if he voted for some Republican. Another cousin couldn’t make it to vote because he was looking for a new home in Ontario. My own brother, who is a bit touched in the head, said he went to write in my name but wrote Deputy Dawg instead.
If I couldn’t get my own family to support my cause, I wonder how many votes I actually received. I know I got at least one vote here in Hays County and perhaps more where polling places were held in honkytonks, but I got to wondering what went wrong in my campaign. After a little pondering, I came up with some issues that might’ve dissuaded a few voters.
Preaching about gun control in the Cabela’s parking lot probably wasn’t a good idea. Showing up three sheets to the wind at a Mothers Against Drunk Driving rally might’ve been a mistake. Holding a fundraiser in the parking lot at the county tax office was a stupid move. Speaking against legalizing marijuana at Willie Nelson’s 4th of July Picnic wasn’t real bright.
Folks might not’ve liked my plan for affordable health care being a groupon for bus fare to a Nuevo Laredo medical clinic. Holding a barbecue fundraiser out here on my ranch and talking about immigration control while undocumented aliens were chopping mesquite out in my fields might’ve turned some voters away. Throwing a Cinco de Mayo celebration in October might’ve cost me a few Latino votes.
I think what really cost me the election was when an audio tape surfaced that had me talking about how I find some cows attractive and have on occasions actually groped a few udders. This was locker room talk among farm boys. No one has more respect for cows than me. No one!
So, I reckon I lost this election fair and square, no thanks to the registered voters in my immediate family. I am writing this column on the eve of Election Day, so I have no idea who has won, though I do wish we could call a Do Over. Kick both Trump and Hillary to the curb, put Ben Carson in as the interim president and then select two honest Americans with some integrity to run for office.
As for me, I doubt I will ever run for president again. I hate dirty politics and the only mud-slinging that I do comes from getting my truck stuck in the pasture after a good rain. But if my fellow Americans can’t find any decent candidates in 2020, I might toss this old hat back in the ring. God bless America!
Clint Younts didn’t have a chance running in his own field – or rather pasture. Surely those coyotes trying to sneak onto the place voted against him too. They don’t like buckshot.
