by CLINT YOUNTS
I hope all you young ’uns out there are having a nice Valentine’s Day. I’m sure lots of flowers, candy and kisses will be exchanged, but I suspect this Hallmark holiday is celebrated by dating couples and a few married folks who still have a slice of their wedding cake in their freezer.
I can’t recall the last time Maw and I really celebrated Valentine’s Day, but I suspect Reagan was still in office. I reckon if Valentine’s Day fell on a Saturday night, I might be a bit more romantic, but when it falls on a work day, all the romance I want after a 10-hour day is Maw offering to take my shoes off and hand me a cold beer.
Lots of folks get engaged on Valentine’s Day. I don’t recall what day I proposed to Maw, but I do recall there was a lot of beer and a loaded shotgun. Just kidding! There was no shotgun. But shortly after that proposal, wedding planning began and I don’t recall having much say in anything except picking my groomsmen. Everything else, from choosing invitations to selecting the wedding cake, was planned by Maw and my future Maw-in-law. All I had to do was to keep my family sober and get them to the church.
Speaking of wedding planning, have y’all heard of this new trend in sending out invitations? Not only do the dearly proposed mail out invitations to the people they want attending their wedding, but some folks are also sending notices to people they don’t want. You know how some guys will show up uninvited, and the newlyweds just think their in-laws must’ve invited that dude in mismatched socks dipping his flask into the punch bowl. Well, by mailing or emailing out a “Not Invited” card to certain individuals, a couple can be assured a definite number of people will be attending their wedding and the ensuing reception. It’s all about finances. It’s not meant to be a way of snubbing certain friends or co-workers, but I’d hate to run into someone on the “Not Invited” list after returning from the honeymoon. Gotta be a bit awkward, huh?
So, how does someone come up with a list of folks not to invite to their wedding? You have to invite all family members, no matter how goofy Uncle Claude might be. Hopefully, the really disgusting future in-laws are on house-arrest or can’t remember where they parked the car. You have to invite your boss, but you don’t have to invite everyone else in the office. Send a “Not Invited” card to the boss and guess what your wedding gift from him will be. A pink slip!
Adding certain individuals to the “Not Invited” is a no-brainer, like your previous girlfriend or that fella you met in jail who claimed you two shared a cosmic connection. Yeah, put these two folks on the “Not Invited” list for sure. But deciding who else you don’t want to see at your wedding could be troublesome. Fortunately for you, I had a few minutes (and a few beers) to ponder on this subject, and I have come up with a helpful list of individuals to add to your “Not Invite” list:
1. The Maryland man who was recently fired from job with the Social Security Administration for excessive flatulence. This is one guy you don’t want at your wedding reception. While you and your bride are cutting the cake, he’d be cutting the cheese.
2. The couple on the GoDaddy Super Bowl commercial. Yuck!
3. Your neighbor, the crazy cat lady who has poor eyesight and smells a lot like a skunk.
4. That fat guy at work who eats all the donuts in the break room before you get a chance to have one.
5. Charlie Sheen and/or Lindsay Lohan, especially if you have an open bar.
6. Your buddy at the firing range who is still distraught over being stood up at the altar last June.
7. Joe Biden. Enough said.
8. The co-worker who recently informed you about his mysterious and apparently infectious fungal infection.
9. Randy Travis, unless you want a drunk, naked, washed-up country crooner at your wedding. Just seat him at the table with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan.
10. Any woman other than your bride whose name is tattooed on your buttocks.
Personally, I think sending out “Not Invited” emails is a bit rude, but I can understand how people want to have a memorable wedding and reception without worrying if certain unsavory individuals might make an appearance. Heck, I wasn’t worried a bit about my old friends crashing our wedding back in 1980. Even if they could’ve found that church in the mountains of North Carolina, there were enough folks there with shotguns to run them off. Happy Valentine’s Day, Maw!
Maw skipped town to get a rest from Clint’s hilarity. He’s hoping she returns by Valentine’s Day, if only so he can give her a bottle of beer and a welcoming “sit-yerself” down pat next to him on the couch.
