by CLINT YOUNTS
A few weeks ago, I wrote a column about the U.S. government changing up our currency without getting our permission. We elected these government officials to work for us, but they’re doing stuff we didn’t ask them to do. So, when some jackleg up in D.C. does something stupid, like making a quarter look like a nickel, it chaps my hide worse than wearing sweaty drawers while riding a horse. I had to buy a little magnifying glass to put in my change purse so I don’t over-tip bartenders.
I understand that when the government makes changes, some folks will be happy and others will get their panties twisted. But when Congress decides to make a law or tweak some current regulation that affects millions of citizens, without our approval no less, I think it’s time for the down-trodden, red-blooded, hard-workin’, blue-collared Americans to stand up and shout, “Whoa, there!” And as a self-appointed spokesman for this elite group of patriots, I must inform the public and our elected employees that we disapprove of their action.
Now, y’all might be wondering what Congressional tomfoolery occurred that got me so riled up and stomping my feet on the weathered planks out here on the Crow’s Nest. Well, let me tell ya! I just read (yes, I read stuff besides the sports page and the drink menu at Applebee’s) that Congress is thinking about doing away with the paper dollar bill and minting a $1 coin instead. That’s outrageous! What are they thinking up there on Pennsylvania Avenue? Some White House staff must’ve found Billy Carter’s stash of moonshine in a broom closet and the entire Congress did shots before heading off to work.
OK, this may not seem like a bad thing to most of you. What difference will it make in our everyday lives, you might ask? It’s just another coin in our pockets. Well, let’s take a step outside the box you live in, and imagine how this will affect millions of men and a number of scantily-clad women here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. Who’s following me here? I know some guys just opened their eyes and dropped their jaws, then glanced around to be sure their wives didn’t notice their reaction to this revelation.
For all y’all who are suffering from tunnel vision or, once again, you just can’t figure out what the heck I’m talking about, allow me to explicate. All across this country, there are certain establishments that serve alcoholic beverages and provide tantalizing entertainment of lovely ladies who wear very little clothing. And, according to what I have read, certain patrons of these establishments reward the talented performers by gently placing dollar bills into the girls’ lacy undergarments. Now, if our narrow-minded congressmen decide to eradicate the current pliable one-dollar currency, how in tarnation am I, er, I mean other gentlemen supposed to compensate these gyrating artists for such a wonderful rendition of “Shake Your Booty”?
Can you imagine the ensuing chaos of silver dollars rolling across the stage, endangering the lives of other performers and imbibers sitting near the stage? There ain’t no way a coin will stay put beneath an elastic string while Vivacious Vivian is twirling around a brass pole. There’s not a single Law of Newton that will keep that silver dollar from flying across the room and landing in the macaroni and cheese at the free buffet. No siree, bub!
These dancing girls will have to attach a Mason jar to their wardrobe to contain all the rewards of their exquisite exhibition, and I’m afraid this could cause a potentially perilous imbalance in the centrifugal force while spinning around the pole. I foresee hundreds of on-the-job accidents and potential lawsuits by injured voyeurs blinded by slung silver. And, God forbid that any of these lovely ladies get sliced up after landing on their tip jars. Oh, the horrors!
Those politicians out in D.C. apparently aren’t concerned about all of us citizens or the performing arts in this great country. All they want to do is try to lower our national debt no matter the consequence. First they alter the size of the coined currency, and now they want us to switch to a potentially hazardous silver dollar. And the worst part of this plan is that the new silver dollar will be about the size of the old quarter. I am going to look real stupid sitting on a bar stool looking at coins with a magnifying glass while Glamorous Gloria is performing her death-defying pole dance.
Clint Younts is hoping that Maw doesn’t read this column. She’s probably been wondering where all of her extra bills have been going. In the meantime, he needs to get better glasses, since the size of coins remains the same ... at least in his lifetime.
