From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
Well, here it is June again. School’s out and kids are already bored. The days are long and getting hotter by the minute. Bugs of all shapes, sizes and sounds are buzzing around my head as I lie in my hammock, shirt soaked with the beer I spilled trying to get into this infernal contraption. Lying here, peacefully swaying beneath two shady oaks, I begin to ponder on all sorts of subjects that might be interesting to you folks out there. Something that will grab your attention and hold it instead of causing you to say, “This guy is totally insane,” and tossing the paper into the recycle bin before turning the page.
I believe many of my previous columns have been insightful and informative. If so, allow me to again apologize. But if I am able to provide guidance to someone facing a difficult dilemma, well howdy do! I’m another Dear Abby, except my guidance may lead you into a windowless room with no electrical outlets and mattresses bolted to the walls.
With this being June, the month that many couples choose to get married, perhaps I can lend some advice to those young couples walking the green mile into marital bliss. Now, one might ask what makes me such an expert on marriage. After 30-something years of being married to one woman and receiving 30-something years of house-training and domesticating, I have learned so much about being a good husband that I could write a book, or at least a short newspaper column.
Now, I won’t even offer advice to a bride-to-be, mainly because I still don’t have a clue about the way a female brain works. Just when you think you have it all figured out, ka-pow, she throws you a fast curveball. The male brain is a simple machine not unlike an anvil. Dense, hard and difficult to alter, our brain works well when we concentrate on a single task at hand. Women’s brains are like a super computer handling all sorts of stuff at one time. When planning your wedding, it’s best to agree to whatever your future bride and mother-in-law suggest because they have been planning this event in their heads long before you ever entered their lives. Guys only get to choose what kind of beer will be served at the reception.
The secret to a happy marriage is communication. I heard Dr. Phil say this once while I was flipping through channels searching for Swamp People. Communication between spouses is essential for a happy home. Informing your spouse of your wants and wishes allows her to practice saying her favorite phrases, like, “In your dreams,” and, “Get your own goll-durn beer.” After a few years of blissful wedlock, communication normally expands and you guys will develop a mysterious audiological malady called selective hearing, or as male doctors call it, otitis nagitis.
To succeed in marriage, both partners must become flexible and adapt to a new lifestyle. Men quickly learn to put toilet seats down and to wipe their feet before entering her clean house. New wives slowly adapt to new foul emissions from their loveable husbands and become aware that men are slow learners. In a state of wedlock, there will always be some compromise, or what I refer to as give-and-take. One example is the wife giving you a bag of trash and you, the husband, take it out to the garbage can. Another example of give-and-take is when a husband comes home after midnight, drunk as a skunk and gives his wife a lame excuse for his behavior. The wife then takes her frying skillet upside the poor guy’s noggin. Yup, marriage is all about give-and-take.
Some couples, especially those with a ton of money and lots of doubts about matrimonial bliss, get a lawyer to create a prenuptial agreement. It’s like a business contract to inform each partner what to expect during the marriage and after the divorce if, unlike Captain and Tennille’s song, love can’t keep them together. You don’t hear about poor folks writing prenups, but perhaps they should. If the happy couple has a list of do’s and don’ts in front of them, then there might be less conflicts and painful knots messing up one’s hairstyle. Plus, it will aid in peaceful communication. Instead of arguing over the dinner table, all you have to do is pull out your prenups, point out the infraction and then apologize to your wife. That’s right, guys, nine out of 10 times you will be wrong. Remember what I said about the female brain? It holds a lot more memory than ours. I theorize that our memory loss is caused by otitis nagitis, but Maw claims otherwise.
As I have done in the past, I am offering my services as a life counselor, giving sage advice to you greenhorns out there who are about to tie the noose, I mean the knot, some day in June. If you wish to jot down these forthcoming suggestions so you can write your own prenups, you go right ahead. But remember, I am not liable for any matrimonial altercations or nasty divorces. These are only suggestions from an old, married guy with lots of beer in his gut and lumps on his head. So don’t sue me.
Prenuptial Agreement
for Poor Men
1. There will be no talking during football games unless it’s halftime or there’s a commercial. The only exception is if the wife asks, “Honey, would you like another cold beer?”
2. The wife is allowed to cook pert near anything they like as long as there is some meat source and a bottle of ketchup.
3. When watching TV together, the wife must scroll through all channels twice, searching for a good war movie or a western before stopping on the Food Network or Bravo.
4. There should be no talking when fishing. The only exception is if the wife asks, “Honey, would you like another cold beer?”
5. The wife will NEVER call the husband while he’s at the store shopping for beer and ask him to pick up some feminine hygiene product. This is the chief cause of married men getting arrested for shoplifting.
6. Any episode of “Real Housewives of New Jersey” must get muted if the husband walks into the room.
7. A wife should never complain about the husband’s driving and accept the fact that he is not lost and needs no stinkin’ directions from some foreigner behind the counter at Sac-N-Pac.
8. The beer fridge must always be stocked and an extra roll of toilet paper must be at arm’s reach from the throne.
9. Getting struck with a frying skillet should be considered a felonious assault.
10. Remember that once in a blue moon, the husband may be right and is allowed to win an argument.
I hope I have helped you young bucks out there who are pondering over the concept of getting hitched. (Why does this phrase make me visualize a mule pulling a plow?) If you have other concerns or doubts, feel free to ask me. Or even better, ask someone who is better qualified in matters of the heart and not some guy who is wearing a soggy T-shirt and is holding a bag of frozen peas on his knotty skull.
Clint Younts has been diagnosed many times with otitis nagitis by not only his wife, but also his friends, neighbors, cousins, his children and possibly his cows, who wander around the dried up pasture wondering where they left their rancher.
