From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
Have any of y’all been to Austin lately? I’m not talking about the outskirts like Southpark Meadows, or what we may soon call North Buda. I mean downtown Austin where one-way streets are named after rivers, and buildings are as tall as East Texas pines. Where delivery trucks simply park in the street to unload supplies for little restaurants and bars with goofy names and laced curtains. And everywhere you look, there are a mess of really strange lookin’ folks.
I recently volunteered to ride shotgun with my out-of-state sister to go fetch her boy who was in Austin visiting an old friend. We had to pick up my nephew on the corner of Guadalupe and Psycho Avenue, and I sorta knew where that was, but it’s been a few years since I was there and things have changed. At one intersection, might’ve been at Red River or Onion Creek, can’t recall, but on one corner there sat a big, modern-looking bank with men wearing expensive suits and ladies in fancy dresses and high heels walking about. Just across the street, huddled on the corner near some café/ pub/tattoo parlor was a mass of humanity that must’ve just arrived from some costume party. Some guys with long shaggy beards, wearing camo jackets and cut-off jeans were visiting with some dude whose hair color can’t be found in your Crayola box. There were also some scantily-clad women, I think. Thanks to Austin’s poster child, Leslie, I’m not sure what I’d have seen if a wind gust had ruffled those short skirts.
That’s why I don’t live in Austin. They can keep their city weird, but do they have to migrate south? Can’t they stay in their concrete jungle and leave us country folks alone? Allow us to live our lives in a rural, peaceful setting, where men dress in men’s clothes and women don’t clothes-shop at Ho’s-R-Us. Down here in Hays County, where beer is not made from fruit, and tofu would never be found on a menu, we have a certain lifestyle and customs that most folks have adopted. If big-city folks venture down my way, I wish they would follow the Code of the West to which I personally strongly abide.
Some of you implanted Texans may not be familiar with the Code of the West. That’s alright. It isn’t something we natives talk about much since it was instilled in our heart and soul at a young age. The Code has been handed down to Texans and other denizens of the western states (California is not included in this elite group since they can’t pronounce Rodeo Drive properly.) The Code is fairly simple and has been tweaked a bit to keep up with the times, but it still helps keep Texans friendly and civilized. So, as a community service (the Judge says I have to provide this unless I want a new residence), I will list an abbreviated Code of the West.
1. Pull your pants up! Nobody wants to see your dirty drawers.
2. Turn your cap around. Your head ain’t crooked, is it?
3. They are cattle. That’s why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-10 & I-20 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one and go.
4. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/ducks/doves are comin’ in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
5. Yeah. We eat catfish, bison, deer and gator. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
8. We open doors for women. That’s applied to all women, regardless of age.
9. No, there’s no ‘vegetarian special’ on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You bring ‘Coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
11. College and high school football is as important here as the Dodgers, the Yankees, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
12. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
13. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it any more than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
I hope this Code of the West is helpful to y’all who are thinking about settling down here in Texas or some rural town in another western state. If you can’t abide to this code and still insist on moving to Texas, please look at Austin. They’ll let any fool live there. I say, let’s keep Austin weird, but don’t bring that crazy stuff my way!
Clint Younts gets crotchety when he thinks about a “Leslie” moving to Buda. He works at a veterinary clinic during the day – where dogs are dogs, and cats don’t try to bark.
