From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
Signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs, blocking up the scenery, breaking up my mind.” Have y’all noticed how many road signs there are lining our streets and highways? I’m not talking about billboards. There aren’t as many nowadays as there were back when I was a kid playing the alphabet game as we were driving across Texas to Grandmother’s house. I’m not sure why there’s the decline in billboard advertising, but I’m sure not complaining.
What I may harp on today is the abundance of traffic signs that litter our roads. Most are essential to our well-being, like the speed limit sign. It’s always good to know the posted speed limit so we can do some quick math and speed up another seven mph. There are other helpful signs out there, but some are useless and others are outright confusing. Like one I passed yesterday that read “Hill Blocks View.” Well, duh! All hills block your view. So do mountains. Valleys, not so much. And what view is this here hill going to block? Once I crested that bad boy, I didn’t notice any scenic panorama, just a bunch of wilting oak trees and a couple of homes. Nothing calling for a Kodak moment.
Another sign that gets my goat is the one that warns “SLOW Children at Play.” Why is TxDOT mocking slow children? Not all kids are fast and agile. Some children are a little chunky and not so quick. I don’t think we should post signs telling drivers that there are some kids who’ll never win a game of Freeze Tag or rarely make it to first base. That’s just mean! But I suppose if there’s some fast-footed kid out in the street, more’n likely he’s quick enough to dodge cars and we don’t need to watch out for him. I guess that’s the reasoning behind this sign.
Another sign that we don’t really need anymore here in Texas is the one that reads “Watch for Water on Road.” I haven’t seen water on road since I scared the pee out of that bicyclist who was in my lane as I was coming over a hill. I supposed that would’ve been a good spot for a “Hill Blocks View” sign, huh? And how about the sign that warns “Slick When Wet”? Did some speed-walker spill his Big Gulp? Yep, as long as this drought continues, these two signs should be replaced with one that reads “Keep Your Butts in Your Car” to help prevent grass fires.
Returning from Port Aransas up Interstate 37 last week, I saw two identical signs that stretched high over the highway that read “You Talk, You Text, You Crash.” I reckon this was appropriate, but like a gal from the Ozarks, it was simple and unattractive. To catch a glimpse from texting speeders, your signs need to be catchy. How about this instead: “You’re Texting and Driving. LOL. You Crash Doing 85 mph. You’re SOL.” What TxDOT should put up on those signs is “If You’re Reading This, Who’s Watching the Road?”
Now, as some of you may recall, I am always coming up with brilliant ideas to help the economy and the environment. I have devised a scheme to do both. By having businesses sponsor traffic signs instead of erecting unsightly billboards, we will reduce the number of signs along Texas highways and produce revenue. I know, some of you are scratching your head, wondering what I’m sipping on out at the Crow’s Nest, but stay with me here. Imagine yourself driving down RR 12 on your way to the Backbone Tavern and you see this sign: “Curves Ahead” with a placard below it that reads “Sponsored by Hooters.” See, you’ll be warned of a winding road and have a hankering for hot wings from just one sign.
There are several other signs that could use a sponsor. Like “Gas Ahead” sponsored by Rolaids, or what about a sign out in west Texas that warns “Next Gas Station 60 Miles” courtesy of Depends. How about “Pass With Care” sponsored by Preparation-H? When approaching an old bridge, a sign may warn “Weight Limit” sponsored by Nutrisystem. We could have a sign that reads “Speed Zone” brought to us by Red Bull, or this one often seen in residential neighborhoods and large parking lots: “Speed Hump Ahead” sponsored by Cialis. I can’t believe someone hasn’t come up with this idea before. Gosh, there is so much money to be made if Gov. Perry would just read my column instead of the sports page and the comics. Heck, he can sponsor his very own sign: “Keep Right.”
Clint Younts sometimes lets his wife drive while he thinks up interesting comments on interstate signs. When he is actually working, he does so at a veterinary clinic.
