From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
We all know how our government officials just can’t figure out how to balance their checkbooks. Goobers who have been squatting up on Pennsylvania Avenue for decades have never learned that if you spend more than you earn, there will be a deficit.
If you are going to spend billions on military actions in a mideastern desert instead of repairing your own home, you might just find your checking account and homeland in shambles. For most Americans, if they are that wasteful with their earnings, bouncing one check after another, eventually some big guy named Guido will come knocking on your door, demanding payback.
I know there are allegedly smart fellers sitting down the hall from the dude in charge of our country, trying to figure out how to lower the national debt, but I think they spend more time trying to find ways to raise their personal wealth instead. Just a theory, mind you. And up I-35 a ways, in that city to the north that I try to avoid as much as a colonoscopy, our state government is having a similar battle with their budget. There’s too much spending and not enough earning. Sounds familiar, huh? Reminds me of my last trip to Vegas. Lots of Hamiltons getting sucked out of my hand by one-armed bandits who promised big bucks in return.
Well, some elected officials here in Texas believe if we had casinos scattered around this great state, then we, too, could have an abundance of money going into the state’s bank account. With millions of Texans with hard-earned money burning a hole in their pockets, these guys under the dome think we will spend our paychecks at slot machines and crap tables at a rate of $6.6 billion annually. That’s a lot of money, folks. Plenty to keep schools open and teachers employed, if the money handlers are smart enough to invest wisely and stop spending on foolishness.
Now the question has been raised, will Texans spend that kind of money in casinos? Well, hello? Who out there has never been in a casino? Or a racetrack? Maybe a bingo hall? Is there a soul in this Lone Star State who has never purchased a lottery ticket? Gambling is in our DNA. Our forefathers gambled their life savings when they left their homes in Virginia, Tennessee and other states two centuries ago to come to a wild land ruled by Mexico and full of angry Indians. Texans were taught that a full house beats a flush before we were even out of diapers. Most of us learned how to roll dice before we could unroll toilet paper. And legislators worry that we wouldn’t visit a local casino? Puh-lease! Give us some credit and a stack of chips. If there’s a slight chance of making big bucks without even breaking a sweat, we’re there!
I suppose there will be some nay-sayers who claim gambling is bad. It’s addictive and will send honest, hard-working Texans straight to the poor house. I don’t buy that one bit. We already have gambling here in Texas, and I don’t know how many panhandlers on the street corners were put there by losing all their money by gambling. We have the lottery and racetracks. There’s massive betting on sports, not to mention cockfighting and dogfighting. There are little, old ladies spending their social security in bingo parlors. And how about on-line gambling, and I don’t mean computer dating. Anyone with internet access can lose a bundle trying to win at Texas Hold ’em on numerous web sites.
Let’s not forget about our friends up in Nevada and over in Louisiana. Maw and I personally have contributed plenty to the local economy of those two states. I have no idea how much money goes into Nevada’s piggybank from gambling, but I bet it’s a wad. I know plenty of Texans who frequently fly out to Las Vegas, the land of loose slots and loose women, to drop a ton of money in out-of-state casinos. Why not bring that money home to Texas to help neighbors who could use jobs created by these casinos? Think of all the state jobs that would be saved by money generated by taxing gambling halls? Heck, if we had a casino nearby, Maw and her pals would drop enough coins down slots to pay the salary of a dozen first-year teachers. My unlucky streak in video poker could pay for new tires on that old school bus. I bet there are others with bigger wallets than mine who can help balance our state budget with one roll of the dice.
Now, there’s a good chance that some state legislators don’t agree with me and their constituents who will be pushing for this bill to allow casinos in Texas. Perhaps there are other bills heading to the senate that will supply our state with enough revenue to keep schools open and roads paved, but I’m not real sure we have anyone up in Austin with a great imagination to come up with money-making ideas. Hmm, perhaps I should send them a suggestion or two?
Since our great state is so popular among frost-bit Americans who enjoy spending their winters in South Texas, why not create a Snowbird Tax. Issue a 6-month pass, like a green card, to all southbound old geezers with funny accents. Charge them a fee similar to what Jerry Jones charges for folks to enter his home. If these folks can afford a mortgage on their house up in Welldigger, Wisconsin and rent on a condo on Padre Island for six months, then they won’t mind paying us Texans a little extra so they won’t lose any more extremities to frostbite.
While we are taxing in-coming foreigners, why not put tollbooths on all eastbound lanes along our western border so we can collect a fee from all these migratory Californians? It seems like our western border is overrun by more unwanted guests than our southern border. At least Californians have money to spend, so let’s collect a hefty fee from them.
Here’s another thought. As we all know, we have a mess of excellent high school athletes who graduate and end up on college teams across enemy lines. Why not charge out-of-state colleges a tariff for importing Texas kids? These colleges charge Texans out-of-state fees if our kids attend their schools, so let’s turn the table on them. Charge them an import tax if they want our kids to play for their teams, and put this money back into our public schools. We can call it a “Sooner Tax”.
OK, the ball is in the hands of the legislature. Now that they have the gambling bill and perhaps one or more of my brilliant ideas for generating state revenue up for debate, maybe these yahoos will pass some bills enabling Gov. Perry and Company to balance their checkbooks and fix our pitiful economy. In the meantime, while the legislature is in session, you voters out there should contact your state reps and get them to support the gambling bill, because I sold some cows and got money to burn, and my baby needs some new shoes.
Clint Younts would like a casino built at Old Mountain City. In the meantime, he works at a veterinary clinic while running cattle on his property, trying to make enough dough for his next out-of-state visit.
