Kyle City Limits
by BRENDA STEWART
As I waited at the corner of suicide alley and Burleson Street in Kyle on Saturday afternoon I chanced upon a massive billboard, propped on the hill, looming between me and Target, informing me that the end of the world was just around the corner. Truthfully, after the week I had just endured, I was not at all surprised to find out that hell was just a short 56 days away.
A quick check of the website listed on the billboard provided a bit of the back story. The sign was rented last week by Family Stations, Inc., a non-profit corporation based in California. And although the website pointedly states that Jesus is their CEO, Harold Camping acts as its earthly president. This isn’t the first time that Camping has received the biblical heads up. Seems that Sept. 6, 1994 was his original prediction of the Armageddon, but even with all the praying and wailing the planet woke up intact the next morning.
Camping and his crew have since recalculated and now are adamant that, although God loves the world, sinners must be punished by death, and it’s time. And even though the Bible says that no one but God knows the exact date of the Rapture, evidently there is a group of guys called the “really true believers” and about 35 years ago, they figured out that, throughout time, we had been miscalculating the date of the Creation by a couple of thousand years. When they coordinated the events of the past with our modern calendars it gave them a more reliable timetable for our ultimate destruction.
But to figure this out, the true believers needed to read the book of Peter which declared that “one day with the Lord is as a thousand years.” So the seven days it took God to create the world in the first place was actually 7,000 years. Ah, so. Remember, this isn’t the first time that we have, as a group, inspired the wrath of God. In 4990 B.C., the world was such a mess that he decided to float the planet and wash away all the evil (giving Noah and the gang exactly “seven days” to get on the boat).
So, seven thousand years after the flood of 4990 B.C. brings us to the year 2011 A.D. And in an odd little twist, the true believers have also calculated that the precise date of the cross was April 1, 33 A.D. Evidently there are exactly 722,500 days from April 1, 33 A.D. until May 21, 2011 giving them them “infallible proof of the exact date of the Rapture.” Hmm.
And don’t be lured into thinking that you can just grit your teeth and bear it. We’ve all had days that we thought would never end. Evidently, for me and my kind, beginning May 21, 2011, we are going to enter, physically alive, into a five-month period of watching people being raptured while we weep and gnash our teeth. It’s poetically referred to as “the harvest of the souls.”
And then on October 21, 2011 we will be put out of our earthly misery as the planet will internally combust and “the 13,023-year history of the world and all that has transpired here will be remembered no more.” Ashes to ashes.
Judgement Day: May 21, 2011. One week to the day after the May 14 Kyle City Council election. There’s been rumors for months that we’re going to hell in a hand basket if this current council stays in place. So, there you have it. Prophecy.
