From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
I reckon most of ya’ll read or heard about this 70-year-old man who was caught digging a bomb shelter/game room under his little house up north in Austin. For those of you who just read this paper and listen only to 8-tracks of Barry Manilow while driving to work, allow me to fill you in. This elderly fella, a Viet Nam war veteran, had been doing some digging around his house and was spotted by a nosy neighbor who thought he was violating some building code so he rats him out to the city building inspector. The inspector pays a visit to the old guy, a real friendly fella, who proudly gives the city official a tour of his little cottage and the massive 30-foot deep cavernous addition beneath his linoleum floor that he had been working on for the past few years.
Well, this building inspector must’ve been pretty impressed with this home renovation because he called in the cops, fire department, the bomb squad, search and rescue and the SWAT team. I think someone also called Gov. Perry and asked him to grab his pistol and head on over to this house because apparently some building inspector just found Osama bin Laden’s hideout.
It turns out that this 70-year-old war veteran, whose doctor probably told him he needed a hobby to lower his post-war stress, enjoys digging, so he began to dig. Like Forrest Gump and his running, this guy just kept on digging. Before he was caught, this guy (did I mention he was 70 years old?) had dug a huge, multi-level basement that extended thirty feet deep into his yard. What’s wrong with this? A guy wants more room but can’t afford a bigger house so he adds an earthen den, and the wacky city officials get their panties in a wad and send Sherman’s army out to nab the guy. How many tax-paid city employees does it take to write a building code violation? If you live in Austin, Texas, the answer is: Depends on how many are on the clock.
If this poor guy lived down here in Hays County where we practice common sense, I doubt the guy would have been bothered at all. More’n likely, he would have been praised for being able to dig a hole that deep in our soil. Have you ever tried to dig a post hole ‘round here? I’m proud as a peacock to get a hole 10 inches down to set a cedar post, and this old man digs down 30 feet. Move over Roger Staubach; I have a new idol.
Yep, here in Hays County, if a neighbor catches the guy next door digging a hole like that, he’d probably hire him to plant some peach trees or dig a new septic system. Heck, I’d hire him for my next addition to the Crow’s Nest. I’m thinking about adding another deck for Maw’s washer so she doesn’t have to walk through the cow patties to do laundry.
Don’t you think the City of Austin overreacted a bit when they emptied the bench into this senior citizen’s newly constructed wine cellar? I hear the old guy had a couple of small caliber guns stored down there, but then, show me a Texan without a gun and I’ll show you a guy with a New York accent and a shoebox full of ticket stubs from Broadway musicals. If that overzealous building inspector checked out my house, I bet I’d have Blackhawks hovering over the ranch in minutes and Texas Rangers crashing through the front door. God help them if they do it while Maw’s watching “All My Children.”
I haven’t heard why exactly the man was digging the big hole. With all the tornados that have been ripping up towns the past few years, maybe he wanted a storm shelter. Or maybe he bought himself one of those fancy home entertainment systems and needed a bigger room for his 52” plasma TV and surround sound speakers. Perhaps he’s married to a woman who doesn’t like to be disturbed while watching soap operas and needed a man cave. My theory for his digging a 30-foot tunnel deep into the Earth is that he believes the country is going to hell in a hand basket and wants to get a head start so he can find a spot with some shade.
