From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off, it’s raining cats and dogs, and you plan to spend a relaxing day splayed out on the sofa, reading the morning paper when you come across an article that sends your blood boiling and ruins a peaceful, lazy morning? And if you happen to be a newspaper columnist suffering from a mild case of lunacy, a story like this is like throwing raw meat to a starving grizzly. I had to jump off the couch, grab another cup of Irish coffee and get to my computer.
Maw just read in some section other than the sports page of the Austin paper that President Obama and his cronies have passed legislature that will place a tax on tanning salons to help pay for their Health Care Bill. Hmmm? This sort of makes sense since there’s a bunch of Americans getting skin cancer from going into these human microwaves, but isn’t there, and correct me if I’m wrong, another source of skin cancer? And don’t you suppose more folks get skin cancer from this other source than the small percentage of cave-dwelling vampires who must use artificial sunlight to turn their milky-white skin into bullhide? Shouldn’t the government also place a tax on the people who foolishly go out under the sun between dawn and dusk?
Seriously, if we are going to tax the prom queen who gets tanned under a light bulb, isn’t it fair to tax the guy plowing up his seared crop of corn?
Another part of this “Tan Tax” that is going to stir up the chamber pot will be that the tax will be placed on a selective race instead of the general public. I’m not going to toss the race card onto the poker table, but this tax will probably not affect folks of darker skin or folks with common sense. I suspect there will be lots of disapproving white folks who will pitch a fit over this, but let me set the record straight by saying I won’t be one of those ivory-skinned malcontents. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a tanning salon unless Harrell’s Funeral Home starts a side business, which wouldn’t be a bad idea. They already have rows of coffins. Why not rig them with UV lights and charge young women $30 to lie in a pine tanning box for 30 minutes? It’d be extra income for funeral homes if Death takes a holiday. I can see it now…
“Grampy looks so peaceful”.
“Yep! He looks like he’s sleeping, doesn’t he?”
“And doesn’t he look good in his Sunday suit?”
“Yeah, but where did he get that killer suntan?”
What does ruffle my feathers is that our president and other elected officials thought this tax was a way to fund health care when there’s so much tax revenue being wasted in Washington. And what is scary is that they got away with passing this legislation. Who will they tax next? Will I get fined for having a red neck and bronze leathery forearms from spending too much time on a tractor? Will beach bunnies get a citation if they don’t lube up with SPF 1000 Coppertone? What about a tax on gyms where steroid-infused, deeply tanned bodybuilders go to pump iron? I bet Governor Schwarzenegger didn’t vote for the passage of the tan tax.
Instead of taxing melatonin-depleted white folks with a death wish, why not tax petroleum companies who spill toxic crude oil into our oceans? How about taxing rich athletes who aren’t good role models to young impressionable kids? Better yet, let’s fine government officials for every asinine act they perform? That should wipe out our national debt in no time.
