From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
It may still feel like summer with the infernal sun turning my pastures and skin brown and dusty, but as I skim the sports page or tune in to ESPN, I see fall is right around the corner because everyone is talking football. Even Kenny Chesney is singing about the “Boys of Fall”, giving me hope that cooler weather will be here in time for the first coin toss. As much as I enjoy summertime, relaxing at the beach or chillin’ in the pool, autumn is my favorite season. Cooler weather, leaves changing colors, wildlife venturing out from the shady woodlands. But, best of all, it’s football season!
I’m not embarrassed to tell you that I am a football junkie. I’d watch football every night if it was on TV. Pro or college games, even high school if I can’t find something better on my 250 channels. I even watch the NFL Draft in the spring just to quench my thirst for football. I’ve been a Dallas Cowboy fan since I can remember. I come from a family of Cowboys fanatics, and I’m proud to say I’ve brought my girls up to be devoted Dallas fans. I have also supported the Longhorns, and since the fall of 1976, when I first sat in Neyland Stadium, a huge Tennessee Volunteer fan.
I’ll read every sports column about football during the season, checking out trades and injury reports. I’ll watch pregame shows on Sunday mornings just to catch the latest news in the NFL and to see what idiots predict the Cowboys will lose their upcoming game. I also like to read predictions and preseason polls for college teams, no matter how ridiculous most are. I even follow the BS rankings, oh, I’m sorry, the BCS rankings, so I’ll have something to fuss about on Wednesdays.
You know, I’ve been known to predict the future. I believe I wrote an award-winning column awhile back with some mighty fine prognosticating, although I can’t recall if a single prediction actually came true. So, why shouldn’t I go ahead and make my own predictions for this football season? If goofy Lou Holtz and Terry Bradshaw, who has more hair than brains, can make predictions, why can’t I? I’ll go grab a cold beer and let’s see what I can come up with.
1. Lane Kiffin gets tarred-and-feathered after being found lurking on the campus of the University of Tennessee. He claims he came back to retrieve some items he left in his office, like his favorite inspirational book, “The Biography of Benedict Arnold.”
2. Due to further NCAA investigations, Reggie Bush not only has to give up his Heisman Trophy but also his high school ring, his Pop Warner MVP trophy and his autographed poster of O.J. Simpson.
3. A poll reveals that there are more fantasy football participants in Michigan than any other state. The residents of Detroit now are able to brag about their winning teams.
4. Penn State coach Joe Paterno gets his 5000th victory after the Nittany Lions beat Illinois. Joe Pa says after the game, “Our quarterback this season reminds me of the first quarterback I coached here, Benjamin Franklin.”
5. Deafening roars from capacity-filled Neyland Stadium can be heard for miles around after every Volunteer touchdown. Even louder roars come after the loudspeaker announcer informs the orange-clad fans that USC is getting beat.
6. After throwing three interceptions and bobbling several snaps, Tony Romo confesses after the game that he’s been dating Lady Gaga. He is immediately placed on Injured Reserve while he receives counseling from Roger Staubach.
7. After consecutive losses, the University of Oklahoma drops out of the BCS rankings by midseason, but on the brighter side, the state of Oklahoma rises to the #2 ranking of the fattest states in America.
8. USC finally wins a PAC 10 game, but later has to forfeit the victory because Reggie Bush was on the sideline.
9. South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier, upset over a losing season, resigns and moves back to the Florida swamps to live with other big-mouthed, bird-brain varmints.
10. After weeks of rehab, Tony Romo becomes a Buddhist monk and leads the Dallas Cowboys to the Super Bowl.
These are only a few of many predictions I’ve made over the past few beers, uh, I mean years. Some have come true, but most flop like a Bevo patty on Astroturf. If some of you think I might hold a grudge against certain teams or certain yellow-bellied, scum-sucking, dim-witted college coaches, let me assure you that I would never intentionally bad-mouth anyone. But if I have a futuristic vision while in a meditational trance, then I feel I should spread the word to all you football fans out there. And while I’m on the subject, Go Vols!
Clint Younts can be seen wearing a foreign orange colored shirt, not a true Texas orange, as he goes about the business of keeping his cattle in line.
