From the Crow’s Nest
by CLINT YOUNTS
I don’t know about all you folks, but I’m sick and tired of seeing all these drug commercials on TV these days. Seems like I can’t watch a single episode of “Deadliest Catch” without being subjected to some ad for a new drug for depression, heart disease or erectile dysfunction. Why do pharmaceutical companies insist on running these stupid commercials while I’m trying to unwind after a hard day at work? I’m sitting there on the couch, treating my sore back with a 12 ounce bottle of muscle relaxer, when some commercial pops up and subliminally suggests that I may be one molecule of animal fat away from having a heart attack. Dang it! It’s hard enough to keep up with plot of “The Simpsons,” but now I have to worry about that last slice of meat-lovers pizza that just slid down my gullet clogging up my cardiac plumbing? Is this my third or fourth beer tonight? I can’t recall! Isn’t memory loss a symptom of having a stroke? Call 911! And get me some Lipitor right now!
What’s really embarrassing is watching some show with the family, maybe even your mother-in-law, when one of the ads for Viagra pops up, no pun intended. The subject matter is bad enough to cause a grown man to blush, but when the ad starts mentioning certain side effects (you know what I’m talking about), what’s a guy supposed to do? Pretend he fell asleep in his recliner? Maybe he should hop up and say, “Who wants ice cream?” Do we need the constant bombardment of these commercials while watching our favorite TV shows?
The commercials for numerous medications for depression are the absolute worse. After describing symptoms of depression and how this new medication may help, the ads go further to list the possible side effects of these drugs, such as nausea, suicidal tendency and possible death. Now, I’m no psychiatrist and I don’t suffer from depression except after a Cowboys’ loss in the playoffs, but what’s more depressing than knowing your new medication may cause sudden onset of dizziness or diarrhea if it doesn’t kill you first? Are these commercials really helping sell their products? You don’t see beer commercials with warnings of possible side effects like stomach upset, headaches or forgetting where you parked your car.
The ad that I really find disgusting often appears on certain cable channels. It’s for a product called “Colon Flow.” Hey, I’m not joking here. Constipation is no laughing matter, and I’m glad there are remedies to, um, rectify the problem, but this commercial goes to the extreme in describing in length what all is holed up in your innards. I had no idea my colon is as backed up as the Lincoln Tunnel at rush hour, or that I may be carrying an extra five pounds of luggage in my truck. I am so fortunate to have seen this informative advertisement so I can order this “Colon Flow” and unclog my plumbing. Before long, I’ll be five pounds lighter, feeling youthful and energetic again. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to go more than 30 feet from a commode.
Soon, the new fall television season will be here, along with the long-awaited football season, and I can’t wait to see what new ads will appear during time-outs and halftime. There may be a few good beer commercials, maybe a decent potato chip ad, but I bet there will be several stupid ads for new prescription drugs for every known malady suffered by football fans across the country. And after a few beers and chilidogs, some of the viewers may start experiencing symptoms previously described in those commercials, worried that their plumbing is clogged but are unsure whether to call 911 or gobble down some Tums. Why not leave the pill pushing to the doctors and let us guys enjoy a good football game without having to worry about depression, enlarged prostates, E.D., high cholesterol….
When Clint Younts isn’t parked in front of his television set investigating the latest medical claims, he works at a veterinary clinic and also runs cattle on his property.
