Where was I?

I heard some of y’all who still subscribe to a newspaper have been wonderin’ what happened to me. I don’t know if those folks were worried about my well-being or asking if I was finally determined to be legally crazy and placed in a padded cell. I know I haven’t been writing my column as often as I used to, and there are several reasons for my hiatus from the newspapers. I could make up some wild story like training for the Mars expedition or contributing to the extensive search for Bigfoot, but unlike many politicians, I don’t lie to the public.

The real reason you haven’t seen my column in the newspaper as you place it into your cat’s litter box is mostly due to me being busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest. Due to harsh environmental conditions over the past two years, what is more commonly called “climate change”, we’ve had numerous trees keel over or drop branches left and right. Several times a week, I have to haul limbs and drag dead cedar trees to one of our ever-growing brush piles. Luckily, no trees have fallen on our houses, barns, cattle or old coots wandering around in a drunken stupor.

This lengthy drought has taken a toll on our yard, but I have managed to keep some grass green by strategically watering the plot with recycled beer. And if I remember to take my vitamins, the grass receives a dose of fertilizer with every watering. The only drawback to this watering system is the amount of beer I must consume to keep a quarter of an acre nice and green.

Speaking of this hot and dry summer, another reason you haven’t read more mindless rambling from me is ‘cause I had to pull a Ted Cruz and leave Texas for a more appealing climate. Back in July, I spent a week in the beautiful Smoky Mountains. While my fellow Texans were suffering from triple digit temperatures, I was enjoying cool mornings and pleasantly warm afternoons up on ol’ Rocky Top. I had planned on staying in that cabin longer, but the owners found me squatting in their home and had me arrested. Fortunately, the county jail was air-conditioned and served decent meals.

Another reason, probably the main reason I haven’t written my humor column is because I just can’t find much to comment on that is remotely humorous. For well over a decade, I have found funny stuff on the internet or on the TV news that warranted a report from the Crow’s Nest. I used to poke fun at several politicians, but there’s no humor in seeing elected officials being tried in court for breaking laws they once swore to uphold. What’s even sadder than having an abundance of dishonorable politicians is the large number of voters who find this behavior acceptable.

There’s nothing funny about the weather-related disasters that have been frequently occurring. There have been massive fires. There is flooding in some parts of the country while other areas are bone dry. Ocean water is too warm to support coral and other sea life. Experts fear it’s just going to get worse. I can’t find any humor on this subject.

I used to sit out on the back porch, relax with a cold beer and write my column. It used to be so peaceful, but now, with all the sounds of construction, traffic and sirens, I have a hard time finding anything uplifting. I used to get great ideas perched on my tractor as I mowed the pasture. Now, there’s nothing but cow patties growing in that field.

I’ll try to write more in the coming weeks. Maybe we’ll get rain this fall, and hopefully some cooler temperature. Maybe a change of weather will stimulate my dormant joviality. At least it is football season so I can at least watch TV during Hollywood’s strike. There’s not much else to watch these days. Meanwhile, I’ll get back to watering the grass with filtered Lone Star beer and multivitamins.