[dropcap]C[/dropcap]an someone remind me why we can’t chop down every stinkin’ cedar tree in Texas? Yep, you’re right if you are thinking I must be suffering from Cedar Fever. As soon as that first cruel conifer let loose of its hellish pollen, a bucket-load of the sinister seed flew directly up both nostrils, and I have been miserable ever since. My eyes have been watering like I’ve been watching “Old Yeller”, and my nose is running like a beer tap during happy hour. In the past week, I have coughed up enough crud to fill a Big Gulp. I haven’t felt this bad since I mistakenly made S’mores with Ex-Lax instead of a Hershey bar.
So, back to my question about cutting down all cedar trees, and, yes, I know they are actually Ashe junipers, but “Juniper Fever” sounds like the name of a porn star. We wouldn’t have to remove all cedars, just the ones pollinating. I can’t recall if it’s the male or female trees that produce the wretched pollen, but I suspect if you were to ask any woman, she’d say it’s the male since we men get blamed for everything. Anyhow, couldn’t we just chop down the troublemakers and leave the other sex to live in celibacy?
I recall a while back a few residents out in the Hill Country wanted to remove all cedars in the area. Besides being the most allergic tree in Texas, cedars also suck up more ground moisture than any other tree, so some folks thought removing cedar trees would be beneficial. Well, some environmental group stepped in and claimed cedar trees are the nesting place of some rare bird. I believe it’s the orange-crested tweeter. No, that’s the dodo bird who was just elected president. It must’ve been the golden-cheeked warbler. So, these tree-hugging, bird-loving folks made a big fuss, the cedars and birds were saved, and thousands of mucous-laden Texans spend a fortune on allergy medicine and Kleenex every winter.
My idea of just chopping down the pollinating cedars might be a good plan, but I’m no tree expert. I have vast experience in trimming trees and have spent countless hours drinking cold beer beneath them, but I don’t know if it is feasible to get rid of all male cedars. And if we were to kill all male cedars, would the females survive? Again, most women would say yes.
So, if we were to chop down a mess of cedars here in Texas, what will we do with all that wood? Well, I pondered some over that while I was rehydrating after blowing out enough snot to fill a rain barrel, and I have a dazzling idea. We can donate all that lumber to Mexico for them to build Mr. Trump’s wall along the Rio Grande. It would save Mexico a fortune in building supplies and eradicate Cedar Fever to boot. As for those warblers, they fly to Mexico for the winter anyways, so next summer, they’ll stop at the border along with all those northbound immigrants. Tell me if this plan isn’t sheer brilliance!
I suspect I might ruffle some feathers of bird lovers, and arborists might say I’m barking up the wrong tree, but I think my idea merits more research. Look, if scientists can eradicate small pox and polio, why not work on fighting my allergies? Just think how popular President Trump would be if he were to stop illegal immigration and help eradicate Cedar Fever. He might end up ranking somewhere between Andrew Johnson and Millard Fillmore in popularity. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to dump out my spit can and rinse out my bandana.
Clint Younts’ acreage is covered in cedar trees, but occasionally one or two might be used as a Christmas tree, or fence post, or craft project ... or whatever else he can think of to legally get rid of the suckers.
