By Clint Younts

All you pro football fanatics out there who love the fast-paced, hard-hitting style of the NFL need to start searching for something else to do on Sundays. One of my sources up in New York City sent me a story out of the NY Post that says the NFL is seriously thinking of permitting their players to smoke pot. After star receiver Josh Gordon of the Cleveland Browns failed his last drug test and faces a long suspension, newly drafted QB Johnny Manziel found no one on his team to throw to except a mess of rabid fans dressed like bulldogs. Well, this could be trouble for the money-hungry NFL that had hoped to capitalize on the popularity of Johnny Football. So, now, the NFL has come up with a new approach to the marijuana issue: If you can’t beat ‘em, joint ‘em!

Allowing pro athletes to use marijuana will ruin the game as we know it. “How so, great writer of Crow crap?” you ask. Well, let me describe what you might see in the near future if the NFL allows its players to puff the magic dragon during the football season. But first of all, I want to make dang sure that you all understand that I am no authority on the effects of this wicked weed. Growing up in the ‘70s, I found myself in situations where funny-smellin’ smoke wafted around the boys’ restrooms, concert arenas, graduation parties and, on occasions, a ’72 Pontiac Bonneville with an 8-track playing Cheech and Chong tapes. Although I did not actively participate in this illegal activity (I was subjected to secondhand smoke, though), I witnessed the peculiar behavior of numerous partakers of pot.

Who doesn’t get upset with NFL offensive linemen constantly getting penalized for false starts? All these behemoths have to do is remember the snap count and then block somebody in a different colored uniform. We all know what marijuana does to one’s memory, so can you imagine how many false starts there will be in a game with half-ton tokers? Referees will all suffer rotator cuff injuries from tossing so many penalty flags.

Marijuana has a knack for making a fellow mellow. What will happen to those fierce linebackers if they’re all goofy on grass? I can imagine some 49er defensive player running up to tackle the halfback, and then stop and say, “Oh, wow, man! Cool tattoo.”

I had a buddy back in high school who liked to smoke pot. When he drove high on wacky tobacky, he drove slo-o-ow. Will kick returners high on giggle grass speed down the sideline or take a leisurely stroll while gazing up at the clouds, searching for one that resembles a cute bunny rabbit?

Will we see stoned wide receivers running a post route straight to the snack bar? Will time in the huddle be extended so a joint can be passed around to everyone? Will more touchdowns be scored because the free safety is busy chasing butterflies? Will Gatorade be replaced by Cheetos and strawberry Kool-Aid? Will Ricky Williams attempt another comeback?

I don’t know if the NFL’s current ban on marijuana use will be altered or even dropped completely, but if it is, I suspect there will be a mass of free agents heading to Denver to play at Mile High Stadium. Seattle will be another popular site for dazed and confused athletes. One thing I do know is that if marijuana is allowed in the NFL, Jerry Jones will find a way to make millions off it. 

Clint Younts spent his teenage years in Tennessee before heading back to his roots in Texas. Who knows what was grown in them there hills.

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