By Clint Younts

I

 am writing this column on Father’s Day, but there’s no telling when y’all will get to read it. I suppose I could’ve written it earlier and submitted it prior to the big day, but I write when the spirits move me. So, if you are reading my Father’s Day column while waiting for the firework show, sorry about that.

What spurred me into writing this column was a story I read that Americans spend $7.4 million more on Mother’s Day gifts than on dear old dad. I know a big bouquet of flowers costs more than a coffee mug or an ugly tie, but $7.4 million is a huge difference. I don’t know what kids are buying their mothers these days, but I think I averaged about a buck and a half on my mom when I was a kid. Most of my Mother’s Day cards where created with crayons and the back of a Piggly Wiggly grocery bag. 

Now I won’t say that we dads deserve equal pay since we all know mothers did much more in the creation and raising our kids. Sure, dads had a little input in the creation part, but did we really suffer all that much for nine months of incubation? Yeah, there were the mood swings, weird food cravings late at night and being awaken early some mornings at the sound of barfing, but I’m pretty sure moms got the worst of the pregnancies. I won’t even mention the delivery. I’m still in therapy after witnessing that.

What I do want to get out to all my readers is what fathers should get credit for, like being in charge of emptying the diaper pail. Oh my Lord, how can something as sweet and pretty as a little baby girl create such a noxious pile of poo? And if you think that diaper stunk on the first day, wait until Day 5. Some satanic chemical reaction occurs in that pail that will sear nose hairs and turn your clear contacts brown.

Other jobs that dads are required to do, although nothing is actually written down in ink, often occur on the eve of Christmas and birthdays. I recall spending hours trying to assemble doll houses and bicycles on Christmas Eve. Here’s a little tip for new dads out there – go light on the egg nog when assembling a doll house unless you want to recreate the Great San Francisco Earthquake on Christmas morning.

Dads are also required to build swing sets. Normally, erecting a swing set is not big task, but try doing it in the middle of the night without power tools or the luxury of swearing out loud when you scrape your knuckles because you might wake the birthday girl. It helps when your kid’s birthday falls on a full moon, but I strongly discourage erecting a metal swing set during a lightning storm.

Dads also must know how to reattach Barbie’s leg after it gets severed by baby sister. Dads must learn how to sit in front of a TV and watch Disney movies without getting caught looking at their phone for the football scores. Dads also have to teach a girl how to not throw a baseball like a girl. Dads also must be in shape in order to run beside their kid when she’s learning to ride her bike for the first time without training wheels. 

Dads must teach their kids how to check the oil and tire pressure of their cars, the difference between good bugs and bad bugs, and the proper technique of pouring a beer into a mug. Any male can become a father, but it takes much more to being a good dad. Being a dad is a tough job, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. So, to all you dads out there, keep up the good work, no matter how bad the pay is.

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