By Clint Younts
Have y’all heard about that New Jersey woman who is suing her former boss for firing her because she allegedly developed extreme anxiety and depression from her daily commute to work? According to her lawsuit, she could not function after driving in the “heavy traffic of rush hour” and demanded that her boss alter her work schedule so she wouldn’t have to battle the traffic. Now, I can relate to the high stress of driving in heavy traffic, but allowing this lawsuit to reach the courts will cause a major pile-up in the judicial system.
If this Nervous Nelly wins her lawsuit, what will that do to all the folks who have to fight the traffic every day driving in the big cities to get to work? Should they be allowed to alter their work schedule to prevent acquiring anxiety and depression? Business hours will have to change from 9 to 5 to prevent the employees from becoming mentally imbalanced. Signs on the doors of retail stores will read, “Close. Will open whenever.”. And 7-11 stores will have to change their names to 9ish-11.
If this New Jersey nutcase wins her lawsuit, every slacker in Austin will demand coming to work as soon as traffic thins out, or after his head stops throbbing from last night pub crawl on 6th Street. And after putting in a good five hours of non-productive work, it’ll be time to cruise on back home before rush hour starts and happy hour ends. Sure, this would help with the overall rush hour congestion, but you’ll have a harder time finding a seat at Trudy’s.
You know, if this Jumpy Jenny in Jersey does win a big settlement over something as frivolous as traffic-induced sphincter spasms, maybe I should look into suing someone for making my personal life more stressful. I rarely go into the City of the Weird, but when I have to venture up north, I quickly develop severe traffic anxiety. Sure, there are some bad drivers down here in Hays County, but once you enter the Austin city limits, bad drivers are as plentiful as fire ants on a misplaced foot. So, the next time I have to go fetch my brother at the Mega-Bus stop, I’m going to sue the city of Austin for big bucks, plus the price of new seat covers in my truck.
Perhaps I could sue Mexican food restaurants for aggravating my acid reflux every time I eat their scrumptious cuisine. Due to the hot spices and acidic lime beverages, my stomach often turns into an active volcano after dining on enchiladas, chili rellenos and other mouthwatering fares. This causes severe discomfort to me and also to any passengers in my vehicle on the long drive home.
Maybe I could sue the beef industry for causing severe trauma to my body after raising cattle for more than 30 years. Ranch work has caused me to bleed, ache, cuss the weather and fret over rising feed costs. If there were no market for prime beef, I wouldn’t be suffering from years of hard labor and mental stress. Instead, I’d be preparing my soil for planting that medicinal marijuana our state legislature is considering bringing to Texas.
I’ve thought about suing Jerry Jones for making poor draft choices and causing me to suffer year after year watching other teams in the Super Bowls. Talk about depression and mental anguish! If our frenzied friend up in New Jersey wins her lawsuit, then maybe I’ll sue Jerry at the end of this season. Or, I’ll just wait ‘til next year.
crowsnest78610@yahoo.com
