I
’m sure all y’all get your share of spam packed in your e-mailbox, but recently, I have gotten tons of e-crap.Even with filters, cleverly written spam slips into my mailbox like goose poop through a screen door. I never open any of these letters in fear of acquiring some nasty virus, but I do read the subject matter in case the email is legit and I actually did win a million dollars. I’m still waiting for my inheritance from some distant cousin who was a Nigerian prince.
I don’t know how these spammers got my email address, and it’s even more mysterious why they think I may be interested in purchasing their products. It is apparent that these e-vendors don’t screen their potential customers or they would never waste their time on me. Let me give y’all some examples of the spam that appears in my mailbox every morning.
I get offers to refinance my student loan. I graduated from college in 1980, back when tuition didn’t cost a fortune.Today, kids have to take out enormous loans or inherit money from Nigerian royalty in order to get a college education. Hey, you have to pay college coaches a ton of money if you want to graduate from a good school.
I still get email from e-colleges that ask if I want to start a new career. You know, maybe if I received these offers 20 years ago, I might’ve considered enrolling, but at my ripe old age, with decades of my brain suffering tequila trauma and beer bashing, I doubt I can learn anything new. I can’t even remember to zip up my fly. Do they really expect me to understand the concept of nuclear fission?
I also receive ads from Rosetta Stone asking me if I’d like to learn French or German. I am a 56-year-old Texan who still struggles with proper English. I don’t cotton to French food and can pronounce the names of most German beers, so I reckon I’ll stick with talkin’ in my native tongue.
I get e-mails from some company named Keranique that promises to give me “thicker, fuller hair.” Thanks but no thanks. Due to good DNA, I still have a full head of hair. Heck, I now have hairs growing where there ain’t supposed to be hair. I sure don’t need thicker, fuller hair flowing out of my ear hole.
Why do you suppose these spam jockeys think every male needs a little help in the boudoir? I get offers from numerous companies that claim they have the secret potion than will enhance my love life. At my age and with my jacked-up back, I’d much rather have a little pill that would prolong my sleep and allow me to stand erect once I get out of bed.
Speaking of romance, how many of you fellers out there receive offers to join some matchmaking group? Every day, I open up my e-mailbox and find several companies trying to hook me up with some perfect stranger. Match.com and eHarmony both say they have the perfect match for me. I’m sorry, but I’ve been married for over 30 years. I hope these matchmakers don’t think Maw and I are swingers.
I also get mail from MeetSeniors.com. Even if I were single, refer back to my view of love potions. Why would I search their database for some old gal who might like to go dancin’ and romancin’ when my ideal Friday night consists of a couple of muscle relaxers and a soft recliner?
I occasionally get offers from FarmersOnly.com. This site may interest young men up in Oklahoma who might be looking for a new mate after selling their entire flock of sheep, but this old cowpoke isn’t interested. Now, all you spammers, please take note. I am not interested in your products, and the only spam I want comes in a can.
Clint Younts’ kine are happy that he likes to eat Spam out of the can. They prefer he eat pork … or chicken. They don’t like that funny look in his head when he wants a steak.
crowsnest78610@yahoo.com