In my last column, I griped about the length of professional baseball and basketball seasons. While I’m still focused on sports, perhaps I should grumble some about football. Oh, no, not the game! I would never bad-mouth the game of football, but I must put in my two cents worth on some of the tackiest uniforms I have ever seen. Not since the days of disco have I ever seen such God-awful outfits as I’ve seen lately in college football.
A couple of weeks ago, I wanted to watch the Texas Tech game, so I quickly flipped through all my satellite channels looking for that familiar red and black uniform and their recognizable helmet. No luck. Again I searched every channel from my satellite and even a Russian spy satellite, and what did I finally discover? A team dressed in gray and wearing a silly red, white and blue helmet. Did I miss the headlines that read “Texas Tech University Changes Name to Clown College of North Texas”? Or was Lady Gaga hired as the athletic director for the Red Raiders?
Oh, it’s not just the Red Raiders donning butt-ugly uniforms. Check out Oklahoma State. Those Cowboys once wore a nice-looking orange and white uniform. Now they have an ugly gray uniform that is about the same shade as a coal miner’s booger. Other schools have switched to gray uniforms for certain games, and I can’t fathom why they want to look hideous like Jake, the State Farm guy.
My alma mater’s Tennessee Volunteers wore gray uniforms once instead of their classy orange and white. Personally, I think Lane Kiffen was behind this FUBAR fashion statement, but I can’t prove it. Once I contacted the alumni association and threatened to end my generous $5.00 annual contribution, my Vols were back to wearing their traditional orange uniforms. I suspect Texas Tech doesn’t have such wealthy alumni or they’d be wearing red and black again.
As ugly as gray uniforms are, what in the hell’s locker room were the folks in Maryland smoking when they picked out the Terrapins’ uniform? I can’t watch Maryland football without suffering a bout of vertigo. Multi-colored and striped outfits that even Bozo the Clown wouldn’t have worn make the Terps look downright goofy. Instead a throwing a football, their quarterback should be tossing pies. In place of an offensive huddle, the team should all climb into a clown car to call their next play.
The Oregon Ducks change uniforms weekly. I guess their athletic director hasn’t ever heard about Maytag washing machines. I’m guessing by changing uniforms so often causes confusion to opposing teams that had watched hours of taped Duck games, and then seeing a different team on game day makes them all befuddled. What’s next in line for formal Oregon Ducks attire? Camo and long beards?
There are some teams that don’t really care about their appearance. Look at Penn State’s uniform. It’s as plain as a Ukrainian mail-order bride. Nothing fancy for the Nittany Lions, just black and white. You’d think they’d have color TVs up in Pennsylvania. Nebraska Cornhuskers aren’t going to win any fashion award with their uniforms either.
Why do you suppose some teams change uniforms so often? If you were to look up the word “uniform” in a dictionary (kids, that’s a big book with lots of words and their definitions), and you’ll find the terms “consistent” and “distinctive”. Why must they mess with tradition? Is it some marketing ploy or have athletic directors simply lost their sense of fashion?
Check the magazine racks and you probably won’t see new duds of these chameleonic teams appear on the cover of GQ or Esquire magazines. I doubt they will be a real popular item in sporting goods stores during the holiday season. The best reason I can find to stick with one uniform is to decrease the frustration of football fanatics who keep wearing out the buttons on their TV remote controls.
Clint Younts wears his regular daily uniform, cowboy boots covered in manure from the pasture, an old pair of Levis, and his gimme cap. You can see him shredding the pasture just north of Mountain City. Wave at him. He loves distraction.
crowsnest78610@yahoo.com