I know Halloween is a month away, but I have a partially true tale of sheer terror. Some of my loyal fans might recall reading about this a while back, but over time, I was able to suppress the horrid memories of the morning I passed through the gates of hell and miraculously escaped death due to my swift, flat feet. Only recently, after hearing some disturbing news on the radio, have my horrifying nightmares returned, creating severe psychological and gastrointestinal stress.
My horror story began early one Friday morning last November when I was awakened by the laxative effect of sweet taters from dinner the night before. After taking care of business, I headed to my trusty Keurig, only to find I was out of coffee. I recalled seeing an ad from Target that there was a sale on K-cups along with other items, including Christmas lights. I figured, since it was so early, there wouldn’t be much of a crowd at our local store, so off I went.
I should’ve suspected trouble by the sight of thousands of cars huddled in the parking lot, but I continued. As I passed through the door, I was shocked at the sight of a throng of frenzied shoppers, mostly women toting bags over their shoulders and beneath their blood-shot eyes, but also a few beleaguered hen-pecked men slowly maneuvering their laden shopping carts. I first thought I had entered a Robert Rodriguez movie set. I swiftly walked to the grocery section and grabbed a box of coffee.
My near-fatal mistake came as I decided to check out the sale on Christmas decorations. As I was reaching for the last box of Christmas lights on the shelf, a claw reached out beneath my outstretched arm, snatching the box. As I jumped back in horror, I saw a hideous creature crouched beside me. A gargoyle with eyes as red as a baboon’s butt, shrouded by a pink hooded sweatshirt, was staring me down. She snarled like a rabid wolfhound, and I swore I saw meat stuck in her fangs.
Although I am a firm believer in the Griswold Doctrine that you can’t ever have too many Christmas lights, I decided I wasn’t going to battle with such a fearsome monster. I turned to leave, only to see a horde of similar beasts stampeding down the aisle. Coupon-carrying, wild-eyed zombies in search of bargains were closing in on me, creating terror and sphincter spasms in my trembling body. I had seen enough horror movies to know the dumb blond girls and the old geezers were the first ones to die, so I began to eulogize myself as I made a mad dash toward the exit.
I survived that trip to Target on that November morn, and after an extensive treatment of distilled sedatives, I managed to get over my trauma. My nightmares subsided and my fear of retail stores diminished over time, but I have just learned that the end of the civilized world may well end on Black Friday 2015. The head honchos at Target have decided to serve alcohol in particular stores. What in blue-light blazes are they thinking? Women shoppers go insane when they see a bargain. Now, all liquored up and carrying 25% off coupons, ordinarily docile ladies will be transformed into blood-thirsty lunatics, scratching and clawing their way down the toy aisle to get some Star Wars action figure. Oh, the horror!
Giving coupons and Chardonnay to women shoppers is like giving whiskey and fireworks to a redneck. Somebody is gonna get hurt! If booze is going to be served to Target shoppers, I think women should have to pass a breathalyzer test before getting behind a shopping cart. Better yet, instead of serving wine to the ladies, how ‘bout having cold beer for us poor husbands who foolishly agreed to accompany their wives to the store? Now that’s smart shopping.
Clint Younts’ favorite glass seems to be the tequila kind, though he has been seen in the Crows Nest holding a cold Bud Light Lime.
batmarco@teletu.it